I don't know what to say.

This post was written on December 19, 2012, and was posted to the blog on Wednesday, January 9, 2013.

Today is Wednesday, December 19, 2012.  I don't know when or if I will ever post this. We will see. I just wanted to record these thoughts/ramblings.

I am stunned.  I did not see this coming.  I was not even in this mindset at all.  I was for a while, but decided it was a fluke.  It has been 12 hours since I got a faint positive pregnancy test, and I still don't believe it.

Pregnant????????????  WHAT?????????

I am 7 and 1/2 months postpartum with my first child.  I am still adjusting to being a mom, and I am still adjusting to my new body, which is about 10 pounds heavier than before I got pregnant with my first.  I did not expect to be pregnant this soon. Of course....I know how it happens, lol.  I got that.  But I hadn't had a cycle back yet.  So I had no clue where my body was.

Apparently it was in some fertile territory.

I'll start back 2-3 weeks ago. Don't worry, I won't start too far back.  Haha.  A few weeks ago I started feeling crampy.  I thought for sure that my body was trying to get back to normal.  Pregnancy definitely did cross my mind, but after a week or two of random pregnancy tests and money wasted, I decided it wasn't pregnancy.  Then I started having really vivid dreams, and I would dream the entire night.  I thought again that it was pregnancy, but I was still testing and still getting negatives.  The last time I had dreams like that was when I was pregnant.  The next thing to happen was cravings and being really emotional.  Adam and I watched a Hallmark movie, and I cried during the Hallmark commercials.  So not like me.  I usually think those are way cheesy.  I have also had awful cravings. As y'all know, I have been trying to lose these last several pounds.  Well, a couple weeks ago, I didn't care anymore.  I had the most horrible cravings for everything sweet.  I didn't care if it was bad for me, I needed it right then.  Again, due to the negative tests, I figured it was my cycle coming back.  I have also had random headaches and backaches here and there.  But nothing that lasted a long time. The last few days I have been exhausted.  Like I am ready for bed by 8 or 9.  I have also really been wanting to nap in the afternoons.  I actually did take a nap yesterday, and I felt much better when I woke up.  I was convinced I was pregnant off and on during the last few weeks, so I ordered some cheap internet pregnancy tests.  Did you know you can get 100 pregnancy tests for $25 with free shipping?  Obviously, I don't need 100 tests, but that was the amount they came in for me to get free shipping from Amazon.  Haha.  So I spent the money since one pack of pregnancy tests (2-3 tests) from Walgreens is like 15-20 dollars anyway.

Last night, right before I went to bed, I needed to go potty pretty bad.  For some random reason, because I honestly had completely ruled out pregnancy, I decided to take a test.  I have no idea why.  I really didn't feel like I needed to.  I just decided to.  I watched the control line form, and didn't see a second line.  I started to toss it in the trash like I do with all the tests that don't instantly turn positive.  (When I first found out I was pregnant with August, the test was instantly positive.  I don't like to sit and analyze whether or not there is a line there, so if it isn't instantly positive, I usually toss it.)  For some reason, I left the test on the counter and went to the kitchen to load the dishwasher.  I came back a few minutes later....to see a second line. 

I was stunned.

I tried to think if I was supposed to tell Adam in some cute way like I did last time.  (You can read about that HERE.)  But I didn't know if I was happy about it or not.  I was shocked.  So I just casually carried the test into the living room and said, "Well, this explains why I've been so tired."

"Nu-uh," he said.

I showed him the test.  Of course, he began to question the validity of the test and wondered if it could be a mistake.  You ladies know, there is a one in a billion chance of getting a false positive.  A false negative happens all the time.  So I took another one.  Positive.

Adam didn't say much.  I think he was in disbelief. He wasn't mad or anything, he was just processing.  Haha.  I, of course, was lying awake all night, tossing and turning trying to figure out what to do.  I was thinking my doctor sure will be surprised to see me again.  Then I started wondering if all of the cramping in the beginning was for a reason.  Is the baby in the wrong place?  Stuck in a tube?  I have no idea.  Then I started counting the months.  Baby will be due at end of August/beginning of September I think.  Ahhh, nice and big and swollen for the summer months.  August was born at the end of spring, so I didn't have to worry with the hot temperatures.  I kept having to get up and go to the bathroom last night.  I dunno if that is starting already (it started before I even found out I was pregnant with August) or if I was just having to go because I knew I was pregnant.

Of course, I retested this morning.  Still positive.  Then I may have retested again at lunch.  Still positive.  I have been busy all morning ordering last minute Christmas gifts off of Amazon, so that has kept me somewhat distracted.  After all of these positives, it still hasn't sunk in.  

Then I started thinking about when we are supposed to tell everyone.  It would be neat to tell them at Christmas.  The only thing is that Adam's dad will be in Texas with Micki's (Adam's mom who passed away) family.  Plus, I dunno that I can even see the doctor before Christmas.  They are probably booked.  But wait, we don't have insurance right now.  We would never be able to afford the blood work and office visit anyway.  So are we supposed to wait until we have insurance?  We are on a waiting period for Adam's work right now.  We are supposed to get insurance some time in January.  I'm sure I could wait that long to go in and get it confirmed, but then again, when do we tell people?  I can't wait a month or more.  Last time we told our family before we went to the doctor.  For some reason, this time I feel like I want to hear it from the doctor first.  I guess I need confirmation because I just don't believe it.  Or I do believe it, and I think something is wrong.   I dunno.

I hope this doesn't sound like I don't want another baby.  I do.  I'm just in shock that it happened so soon.  We weren't trying.  I keep thinking about how hard it is with August.  Two kids under the age of 2?  I know God will give me everything I need to be able to be the mother of 2 under 2.  But it sounds terrifying.  It sounds really really scary and hard.  It sounds like I will never leave the house because it will take 10 years just to get out the door.  It sounds like I will have 2 babies to strap in and out of the carseat.  It sounds like I will have lots and lots and lots of money spent on diapers all at once.  It sounds really scary.  I'm terrified.  Plus August is mobile now, and I'm sure will be walking in a few months.  I hope I can keep up being so big....and round.  I know people get pregnant already having little ones all the time.  But not me.  I'm still a new mom!  I just had August.  Ok, I'm starting to think I won't post this.  This sounds so terrible.  I hope this new baby doesn't think I don't want it.  I'm just so scared.  Thanks for listening y'all.  Hopefully I will feel differently and will be excited once I actually post this.  Prayers please!