Layla's Birth Story...Finally!

If you haven't read Layla's Pregnancy Story, read about that HERE first. 

Well, I had just about the entire birth story completely type out, and blogger somehow deleted it.  That was back when Layla was still a newborn.  I was so mad, that I haven’t attempted to rewrite it.  My memory is now not nearly as clear as it was then, but I wanted to write what I can remember of her birth story so that I can have it documented.

When I arrived home from my doctor’s appointment, I finished packing up my bags.  Adam came home from work, and together we scarfed down some Wendy’s.  I hugged August and Jude and told them that daddy and I were headed to the hospital to get baby sister out of my belly.  My mom stayed at our house with the boys.    

As I thought about how the induction would go, I was very nervous.  I always carry our children to 40 weeks (and they always have to be kicked out for one reason or another) so I was very nervous about being induced at 38 weeks and 2 days.  I knew this is what needed to happen, so I wasn’t worried that we were making the wrong decision, I was just worried that my body would not respond appropriately.  I worried about the induction not working and having to have a c-section.  Most of all though, I was worried we may have waited too late.

As we arrived at the hospital, Adam prayed for us as we sat in the car.  This was the same hospital that we had Jude, and I remembered us sitting in that parking lot and praying, just 2 years ago.  We gathered up our things and headed in. 

Apparently the doctor’s office did not call the hospital and tell them we were coming.  Registration took a long time, and we were already late.  By the time we reached the nurse’s station, we were an hour late!  I saw my doctor talking with a nurse behind the counter, and I tried to smile at him.  He did not acknowledge me.  I was afraid we would be starting this induction off on the wrong foot!

The nurse walked us back to our room.  She asked me how far along I was, and I told her 38 weeks and 2 days.  She wanted to know why we were taking the baby out so early.

Cholestasis was my answer. 

Just as they like to do, we got right down to business.  I went into the bathroom and changed into the ever so flattering hospital gown. 

When I came out, I met my nurse who would be taking care of me.  She was an older nurse, and she said she actually wasn’t supposed to be working tonight.  She got called in because they were so busy.  I wasn’t thrilled with this news, because I was afraid it would mean that she would be in a bad mood for having to come into work, so I decided I would be as friendly as I could be, so that maybe she wouldn’t hold it against me! Thankfully, she would end up being one of the sweetest and most caring nurses I’ve ever had.

She started off with all of the questions that they ask you.  This part always takes forever.  Just as she was getting started with them, my OB came into the room.  My heart stopped for a minute because I had just gotten there.  I really wasn’t ready to get things going just yet! This was sometime around 7:45 p.m.

“Well, we thought maybe you weren’t gonna make it.  We thought you had gone out to some fancy restaurant or something,” he joked as he walked in.

“I’m sorry we’re late,” I answered.  “Adam had to get off work, and then we had to make it through registration.”

“That’s alright,” he said.  “I’m just gonna be sleeping in my room they’ve got here for me.  But before I can go sleep, we’ve gotta get this baby on her way.”

With that, he started putting his gloves on and asked the nurse for the amnio-hook.

I felt the color drain from my face as I felt the lump in my throat growing larger.

It didn’t hurt when I had my water broken with Jude.  But I wasn’t sure how it was going to go this time.  This time, I was just not mentally prepared.   

Before he inserted the amnio hook, he checked me.  And it HURT.

“How many centimeters did the midwife say you were yesterday?” he asked.

“Three.” I grunted.

“Hmm, that’s generous I think.  You must have closed up a little. I would say maybe 2.5”

Oh great, I thought.

He then inserted the amnio hook.  It hurt.  It hurt BAD.  I think he may have scraped me with that thing. 

After a second or two, water came pouring out.  I looked down.

All I saw was green and brown water with black in it.

It was meconium.

“Alright, it seems that the baby has already had her first bowel movement.  I don’t want you to worry.  When she is born, she may not cry.  We’ll have a team in here, and they’ll probably have to take her as soon as she’s out.  She may have this stuff stuck in her throat or lungs.”

I felt the panic rising up from my chest. 

I looked over at Adam.  I wondered if he remembered me telling him about this.  It’s one of the big risks with Cholestasis, and the cause for a lot of stillborn babies.  Cholestasis causes the baby to be in distress because they have reduced oxygen due to the failing placenta.  When babies in the womb are in distress, they poop.  Since they are “breathing” in the womb, there is a big likelihood of the baby inhaling the poop into their throat and lungs, which can cause the baby to die.

“Alright, let’s just see how it goes with breaking your water, and we’ll go from there.  Call me if you need anything, I’m going to bed!”  And with that, my OB left the room.

I was already soaking the waterproof pads and everything with the nasty water coming out of me.  TMI (as if this entire story is not TMI), it smelled terrible.

After the nurse finished her questions, she came over to set me up with the IV port.  Just like with Jude’s birth, I requested the IV port with no fluids.  I request this because I don’t want to be tied to a pole, and I also don’t want to have to pee every 5 seconds.  I’ve also read that a lot of times when you receive IVs, the baby will be born weighing more than they normally would have because they are carrying more fluid from the IV.  Then, after they are born and lose weight, it looks like they have lost a lot of weight, when normally they wouldn’t have lost that much.  The weight loss is exaggerated because the baby came out weighing more due to the IV fluids.  Then the baby has to be supplemented with formula due to hospital policy.  Long story short, I forgo the fluids.

I warned her that my veins are extra squirty.  You may remember that from both August and Jude’s births.  Whenever they stick me, the blood shoots from my veins like a geyser.

I started sweating like crazy as she cleaned off the area for the port.  I looked away and told Adam not to watch as she began to stick it in.  I can’t stand it when he watches.  It makes me nervous and angry for some reason.

Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt!  Just a little sting. There was no eruption of blood all over the bed and floor.  I was so relieved!

From this point on, things are a little hazy in my memory.  I remember the time was passing faster than I felt it should.  I was afraid the doctor wouldn’t give me enough time to let me do this without intervention, so each contraction was welcomed for me.  At this point, contractions were usually still 5 minutes apart, but sometimes would stretch to 10 minutes apart.  Some of the time was spent sitting in the bed, hooked up to the monitors, and some of the time was spent connected to the wireless monitor, which failed more often than it worked. 

We had one visitor during the evening.  Our pastor’s wife came and brought coffee for Adam.  We really enjoyed her visit, and it helped to pass the time. My contractions were hurting, but not so much that I couldn’t talk, walk, or sit through them.  The constant gush of green and brown fluid was more than uncomfortable. It was a nasty reminder of how scary this situation might be.

I remember things taking a turn around 12:00 a.m.  The contractions got closer, coming every 2-3 minutes.  I could no longer focus on tv or talking, and I needed Adam close.  The nurse came in periodically to check on us, always wanting to help, but I didn’t have anything she could do.  She was very sweet and wanted to be helpful.  Unfortunately, all I could ask was for more pads and towels.  I was a leaky mess!

I spent the next few hours bouncing on the ball, standing up, swaying back and forth, sitting up in the bed, sitting on the toilet.  Lights out, trying to be relaxed.  I even tried sleeping, that was definitely not happening.

At this point, it had been over 4 hours since my water had been broken.  I had requested not to have any dilation checks because I found it to be painful, and it’s known to not really be an indicator of anything, only of progress or lack of progress.  My hope was to make it all the way to delivery with no checks. 

The time between 12:00 a.m. and 3:00 a.m. was excruciating.  Contractions were continuing every 2 to 3 minutes.  I have no specific memories from this 3 hour period.  I just remember the contractions were unbearable.  I was desperately searching for the feeling of transition.  It had to be close. 

I was so tired, so exhausted.  I honestly had not slept in weeks.  Every night, I would finally fall asleep around 5:00 a.m.  The itching had been so bad that all I could do was distract myself from it.  It was torture to lay in bed and try to sleep.  So every single night, I would sweep the floor and mop the floor.  I don’t know why, I just craved a clean floor, and it kept my hands busy so that I wouldn’t scratch.  The night before my induction, I did not sleep at all. Not at all. So at this point, I had been awake for almost 48 hours.

Finally, around 3:00 a.m., I asked the nurse to check me.  I thought I had to be close.  I had to be at least an 8, if not further.  I decided that if I was not at least a 7, I would get an epidural.  I needed sleep.  I knew once the baby arrived, it would be around the clock feedings, and I would be recovering.  We also didn’t know what kind of treatments she could be getting, so it could be a long few days or weeks coming up.  I decided I needed sleep.

The nurse seemed ready to see where things were.  She had been watching me labor naturally for the last 7 hours.  I didn’t tell her my plans of the epidural, I didn’t want her to be bias in her estimation of how far along I was.  I knew she was supporting me either way, but she really had been an excellent natural labor nurse.  Very hands off, which is how I like it.

Her face told me what I already feared.

“You’re at 5 centimeters,” she said.

“Five?  I’m only at a 5?” I answered.

“Yes.”

“I want an epidural.  I need to sleep.  I’ve been going at this for over 7 hours, and I’m exhausted.  I’ve only gained about 2, maybe 3 centimeters in 7 hours.  I need to sleep.”

The nurse and Adam tried to encourage me, but they could see it in my face, I needed to sleep.  The nurse hooked me up to the bag of IV fluids.  I asked her how many bags I would need before I could get the epidural.  I was ready right then.  She said I would only need one bag, and that she would turn it all the way up so I could get the fluids quickly.

Within 20 minutes or so, the anesthetist came into the room.  I recognized her from Jude’s birth. I didn’t have an epidural or any drugs with him, but this was the same lady that I had seen last time. 

After I signed all of the paperwork, I sat in the bed and slumped all the way over so she could insert the epidural. 

This part was horrible.  I still gag and my back gets sweaty when I think about it.

She gave me a numbing shot, which did hurt but it hurt just about as much as any other shot.

Then she started trying to get the epidural in.  I felt it go in, and then I felt a lot of pressure.  Like a lot.  I felt her hammering (yes, hammering!) it into my spine.

At this point, I was slumped over with sweat literally dripping off my face into the floor.  I was completely soaked in sweat.  I continued to feel her jamming it into my spine.

“Ok,” I heard finally, “Go ahead and sit up.”

I sat up.

Adam was shocked to see how sweaty I was.  He didn’t look so great himself.  I later learned that he was getting light headed and trying not to pass out.

“Ok, I need you to slump back over,” I heard the anesthetist say.  “I’m going to have to redo it.”

Oh. My. Word.  WHAT THE HECK?!! %$#@!@@$%@@

Yes, she pulled that whole big needle out and tried again.  I think I started crying, but I can’t remember.  I didn’t know what were tears and what was sweat.  The pressure was horrible.

“You have a very bony spine,” she explained. I’m having trouble getting it past one of your bones.”

I almost fainted.

After some trial, error, and force, she said it was in.

My gown and the bed were completely soaked in sweat.  She gave me a dial and showed me how I could turn up the epidural if I wanted to.  I had never heard of being able to do that.  It must be new since my epidural with August 3 years ago.

She left the room really quickly when she was finished.  I was just glad it was done.  I looked at the clock, and it was around 3:45 at this point.

After the epidural had some time to take effect, the nurse placed the catheter.  I absolutely detest catheters.  I had one with August but with no epidural!  They had to give me one since I was on magnesium sulfate.  They later gave me an epidural at 8 cm, but for the catheter I had no numbing.  It was awful.  Nightmarish.  I was thankful that this time the epidural at least took the edge off of having the catheter placed.

Adam came over and sat next to my bed as the nurse quietly left the room.  Just as I thought I was about to get some rest, my body started shaking.  Convulsing might actually be a better word.  My upper body was shivering, but I wasn’t cold.  It felt like adrenaline.  My lower body and legs were bouncing and squirming all over the bed.  I had no control over my body whatsoever. 

“What is going on?  What is wrong with me?” I asked Adam, panicked.

“I don’t know honey.  Are you cold?  You’re shaking!” he replied.

“No, I’m not cold.  I can’t stop my legs.  They won’t be still!”

Adam called the nurse in.  I was sure it was the epidural.  Some kind of side effect.

We told the nurse what was going on, and she could see my body violently shaking, out of control.  She told us it was the adrenaline and that I needed to try to relax.

I don’t remember much about the order of events or the comings and goings of the nurse.  I just remember I started praying out loud.  Crying and begging God to stop my body from shaking.  I have suffered from Restless Leg Syndrome for as long as I can remember, so I don’t know if it was just acting up on the extreme or what was going on.  Adam thinks it may have been a botched epidural since the nurse was having so much trouble with it.  I continued to cry and pray out loud.

After what seemed like forever of this, the nurse came in with some essential oils and some lotion.  She said she borrowed it from one of the nurses.  It was Peace from doTERRA. Up until this point, I had never tried essential oils.  I honestly did not believe that they work and thought they were just a scented placebo.  My nurse asked me if I would mind if she tried it for my restless legs.  I agreed, desperate to try anything.  My nurse lifted up the bed sheet and began massaging the oil into my legs with the lotion.  The scent of the oil was wonderful.  I felt my body relax a little bit.  I still felt shaky when she was done putting the oils on my skin, but it definitely took the edge off.  I now was having more spread out leg convulsions, rather than continuous. 

I’m not sure of the exact time at this point, I have a distinct memory at 5:40 a.m.  I felt very calm all of a sudden.  My legs stopped shaking.  I felt totally miserable being hooked up to the catheter.  I hate knowing I have one of those things in.  But I felt well enough to snap a picture of Adam sitting in the chair.  I took a picture of myself because I wanted to remember that moment.  I wanted to remind myself that I would look at that picture later, remembering where I had been, and it would all be over.  I wanted a picture of my face in that moment because it was the most desperate I think I’ve ever felt in my life.  My face looked so sad….so desperate.  I took a picture of my hand, taped up with tubes and ports.  5:41.  I wondered how long this would go on.

All of a sudden, I felt her move down.  I felt everything change.  I felt intense pressure.  It came out of nowhere.  And it was like my body new it was coming.  One moment I was shaking.  The next moment calm.  And then this pressure.  It was crazy.  I told Adam that I was starting to feel pressure.  I could still feel the waves of the contractions, the comings and goings, but not the sharp pain that used to accompany them.  But wow, the pressure, it was so intense until finally, I thought she was about to come bursting out of me!  If this sounds anticlimactic, that’s because it was!  It seriously came out of nowhere.

“ADAM!  GET THE NURSE!!! I NEED TO PUSH!” I yelled.

“What?  Are you sure? How can you tell?”

“I CAN FEEL IT!  JUST CALL HER!  SHE’S GOING TO COME OUT!”

I started blowing out, trying not to push while Adam frantically searched for the remote that calls the nurse.  The remote is obviously attached to the bed, but we couldn’t find it anywhere in the sheets or pillows.

“JUST RUN!  GO GET HER!  RUN TO THE NURSE STATION NOW!  I HAVE TO PUSH!”

I could tell he didn’t want to do that and that he still wanted to find the remote.

“ADAM GO NOW.”  I was trying really hard to be patient and not get ugly with my sweet husband.  But he seriously did not get how serious I was. 

Finally he ran out the door and down the hallway.  Of course once he was out of earshot, I found the remote.  It had been on top of my pillow, above my head.  I pressed the button to call the nurse.

“Yes?” someone answered.

“I need my nurse!  I’m ready to push!” I answered back.

At this point, I was still trying really hard not to push.  But I was fully prepared to have that baby on my own, alone in that room.  I tried to think of what I would do if the cord was wrapped around her head.

Moments later, Adam and my nurse came running in the room.  She put quickly put some gloves on and lifted up the sheet, sliding her hand in to check me. 

“Yes, you’re complete, and I can already see the head!”

I knew it! 

She started getting the stirrups ready as other nurses started flooding into the room. 

“Where is my doctor?  Can I push?  I need to push!!!!” I tried not to yell.

I wish I could go back and see Adam’s face during all of this.  He later told me that he thought since I had the epidural that I couldn’t feel anything.  It’s true that the epidural takes the edge off of the contractions, but for me, the uncontrollable urge to push was still there.  I think epidurals work differently depending on the patient, the person giving the epidural, and just how the epidural lands.  My epidural with August was totally different than this one.

I started bearing down when I felt the urge, but I still didn’t give it a really good push.  I wanted my doctor to be there!

Minutes passed.  The warmer for the baby was on, the equipment was set up, my legs were positioned, and nurses filled the room.

“Where is the doctor?” I heard them all whispering. 

“He’s not known for getting into a rush,” I heard another say.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he came in.

He casually walked over to the nurse as she “suited him up.”  He slowly (insert eye roll here) walked over to the bed, and said, “Alright, are you ready to push?”

“Yes!” I exclaimed. 

“Alright, give me a push, let’s see where we are.”

I gave the best push I had.  I screamed as I put everything into it.  Adam looked at me, puzzled.  He later asked me why I was screaming.  Once again, had to explain the epidural.  It just wasn’t the same as August’s.  Another reason why we think the reaction to the epidural was due to a botched placement.

“Woah, alright here she comes!”

And with that one push, out came her head.

I honestly can’t remember if the cord was around her neck.  I didn’t hear her cry, but I expected that.  They don’t normally cry with just the head out anyway.

“Alright Amanda, another push!”

With one massive push and a loud scream, I pushed her out.  Our beautiful Layla Abney Hare was born after 2 pushes, at 6:11 a.m. on October 14, 2015.  After 10 hours of active labor, weeks of sleepless nights with crazing itching, and a month of contractions it was over.

Layla is a name that I have loved for years.  I first heard it when I taught in a kindergarten classroom.  Abney is the maiden name of Adam’s mother, who tragically passed away 4 years earlier.

The doctor held her up for me.  I couldn’t believe how small she looked, but not small at the same time.  Being 2 weeks early, she was my smallest baby, but not by much.  She weighed 7 pounds 12 ounces.  August was 8 pounds, Jude was 8 pounds 8 ounces.  She definitely would have passed both of them.  The doctor’s estimation of her being over 9 pounds at 40 weeks would have been correct had she made it that far. 

I watched as they carried her over to the warmer.  She was still silent.  Adam left my side to go see her.

Finally, after some suctioning, I heard a cry.

The most beautiful, resounding, reassuring, desperate cry I’ve ever heard.  I wanted to hold her so badly. 

While Layla was being checked out, the doctor helped me deliver the placenta and checked me for tears.  I thankfully only had one or two small tears, and the doctor only had to do 2 stitches.  The tugging was unpleasant, but I was happy to have my epidural at that point.  Getting stitched up without an epidural is awful, as I learned from Jude’s birth. 

By about 6:25 a.m., the doctor was done and the nurses started clearing out.  I finally got to hold my sweet baby girl.  It was amazing.  She actually smiled, and I know you would never believe it, but we actually captured it in a picture.  It was a beautiful moment.  She seemed so happy to be in my arms and out of my belly. 

Above is a short video clip from shortly after her birth.  Hopefully it will play.

I too could not be happier. 

She latched right on and nursed like a champ from that moment on, praise the Lord!  I had never had a newborn nurse so well like she did.  The lactation consultant even came by and watched saying that Layla knew exactly what she was doing.  

We had several friends and family come visit us.  It was such a blessing to introduce her to them.

Proud big brother Jude!  He was sick, hence the flushed cheeks

And proud biggest brother, August!

Hare, Party of 5!

Our growing family with my mom and dad- Nana and Pa

We left the day after I had her, although looking back, I wish we had stayed longer.  I don’t think I was mentally prepared to leave.  I was still having some anxiety about the cholestasis, and postpartum hormones are not my friend.  But that may be for another post.  Postpartum hormones are horrible. 

As I finish writing this story, Layla is now 13 months old.  It took me this long.  Thank you to those who encouraged me to finish it.  I am relieved to have it documented.  Layla is now a feisty, sassy, loving, snuggly, talkative little girl.  We are over the moon in love with this precious girl.  Blessed is an understatement.  God is GOOD.  Thank you everyone for reading!

      

Ear Infections and "That Mom"

Well, I promised Layla's birth story "soon" and then went missing.  Four antibiotics, three ear infections between two children, and one major holiday later, here I am.  If I don't make a lot of sense in this post, that's because it's 6:30 a.m., and I went to bed at 1:00 a.m. But if I don't get up before my kids wake me up, I am one angry mama bear.  So with my coffee steaming next to me, here I am.

Life with a three year old, two year old, and 6 week old (7 weeks tomorrow), doesn't allow for much blogging time, especially when they are sick. Jude is on his fourth antibiotic in 6 weeks, trying to kick a terrible double ear infection. The antibiotics have also given him a horrible (yeasty probably?) diaper rash.  Little baby Layla also has an ear infection and is on her first antibiotic.  So sad.  August, so far, has a bad cold, but I think it is turning into a sinus infection.  So life here is rough. If you have any ear infection tips, I'm all ears....haha 6:30 a.m. jokes.  But seriously, let me know what you have done for your kids who have had ear infections.  I've cut out Jude's dairy because a friend told me (and I have since read) that kids who have certain dairy intolerances are more susceptible to getting ear infections.  I also got the kids some probiotic drops since I know antibiotics kill the good and bad bacteria in their bodies, so I'm trying to replace the good bacteria that's been wiped out.

So that's where we are right now.  I've also been trying to take care of myself so that I don't get sick, and so that I can feel like a decent human being.  You moms know what I'm talking about.  Do you remember the days when taking care of yourself meant getting some Starbucks, going shopping, treating yourself, getting your nails done....No, that's not what I'm talking about here.  My "taking care of myself" now looks like brushing my teeth....by noon. It looks like showering every 3 days or (gasp!) every other day. It looks like taking the time to make a smoothie for myself in the morning even though the boys are fighting and begging for seconds on cereal, the baby is fussing to be held, and I just want to stuff a Pop-Tart in my face and call it good. It looks like letting myself finish my morning coffee...ok that one is rare. I think I drive Adam nuts with all the wasted coffee.  Anyway, my idea of treating myself has come a long way in the last few years.  And that is ok.  I'm not complaining, I just think it's so funny to look back and see how things have changed.  It makes me smile an embarrassed smile when I think of how my life used to be.  All about me. I had no idea.

Speaking of looking back...as I was nursing Layla about 30 minutes ago (thankfully she goes back to sleep if it's still before 7), I was reading a blog post that I found on Pinterest.  I believe the title of the post had something to do with "How to Get Your Baby to Sleep 12 Hours a Night by 8 Weeks Old."

Oh gag.

I clicked on it out of curiosity, just to see what this particular method was.

And then I saw the preface of this girl's blog post.  "This is my first child, and these methods may not work for every child...."

Did you catch that?  It's her first.

Now, I'm not dissing first time moms.  I promise.  I'm cringing because I was just like this girl.  Obsessed with getting 12 hours of sleep with a newborn, giving my newborn activities to do, schedules, uggggh all of it.  Eye roll.

She talked about how after the baby's first morning feed they did "school." Gag. Me. Now.  After Layla's first morning feed, she sits in the Rock N Play so she doesn't puke all over herself while I change the boys' diapers and clothes, make them pick up their room they trashed already, get their breakfast ready, trip over a car, put some clothes on myself, climb Mt. Laundrymonjaro, make my smoothie, take sips of coffee.....we don't have time for my 6 week old to do school.

She talked about all the things she does during the day for her newborn's schedule. This mom talked about how her newborn sleeps 12 hours, so the momma has her evenings free with her husband, and then she gets 7-8 hours of sleep straight because she needs it. Girlfriend, it was a celebration when Layla slept 3 hours straight.  Best sleep I ever had.  I will say that Layla now consistently sleeps 4-5 hours at a time (on the rare occassion 6 hours!), and I will not complain one bit.  It's heavenly.

Anyway, as I was gagging and trying not to let my snickers disturb my little nursling, my heart stopped and my face turned hot.  I remembered....

I've written almost this same exact blog post.

Yep, after I had August.  Oh no.  I'm that girl.  I'm that mom.

I'll go ahead and link to it, since I know you'll want to look it up anyway.  Ugh.

See, this is why I love and hate blogging.

I love having an outlet.  I love writing.  I love documenting our lives.  I enjoy it.  But....my growth as a mom and a human being is out there.  All my "I have it all figured out moments and I'm going to tell you how to do everything" moments are documented in this blog.  Moments that aren't me anymore.  Moments that are embarrassing.  That I want to act like I didn't say or do.  They're archived here in this blog.

So it makes it hard to write about things, because I know one day I'll look back and roll my eyes.  I'll be embarrassed that I said or did that.  Like now.

But, I don't think that should stop me...or any other veteran or first time moms...from writing.  So I'll ask 2 things from you.

1.) First, the practical.  Check the date.  Check the date of blog posts.  For me or anyone else.  We change and our thoughts change so much as time changes!

And then

2.) Show some grace.  (Like I'm trying to do with myself.) Remember we are all in different seasons.  Some of us think we have it figured out, some of us are trying to have it all figured out, and some of us are having palm to forehead moments like I did this morning.  Show "2012 Amanda" some grace, show yourself some grace, and show all these "my baby sleeps 12 hours a night" mommas some grace.  Because we all need it!

Anyway, this post may or may not have made a lot of sense.  Let me know your thoughts on any of this- ear infections, "2012 you"....or whatever year....new moms, baby sleep, blogging, any of it.  I'd love to hear your thoughts.  A lot of days your comments are the only adult interaction I have. :)

On that note, I just finished my coffee, and I think I'll make a second cup, just because I can.  (That right there, is taking care of myself!) Oh wait, I just heard the boys. And they're yelling, so the baby will be getting up too. Yep, there she is. Sigh.

Y'all have a great day, enjoy a second cup of coffee for me, and give another momma some grace and  a pat on the back! :)

A BIGGER update than I intended.

Well, why not write a blog post?  I literally never get on the computer anymore.  I just don't have the time!  I do get on my phone though, but I can't blog from it.  I have several posts on here that I have started, from months ago, and just never finished.  

I have thought several times about hopping on here at night and catching up on things.  But I just have not really been interested in blogging the last several months.  I still read a few blogs, but I haven't been interested in writing.  I have felt really private and reflective since Jude was born.  I think after having August, I was so into sharing my knowledge and experience, thinking I was helping others.  I thought I had it all figured out, haha.  After having Jude, I am realizing how silly I sounded just a year or two ago.  It is hard having one new baby....but having two babies at once is very, very hard.  It is also very humbling.  I am listening, reading, talking with women in my life and getting their perspective on child-rearing.  No longer handing out much of my own advice.  I'm soaking up others' experiences like a sponge.

I have also been reflecting a lot lately.  I feel like I am keeping a continuous, private blog in my head.  Always recording memories, thoughts, struggles, successes.  I have been wanting to start journaling, just for myself as something to work through and be able to look back on, but it seems like it takes too long to write down everything I'm thinking.  It's also hard to be as honest on paper as I am in my head.  I just have really been wanting to document this stage in my life.  I know it is one of the hardest stages in my life, but it will also be one of the shortest.  Jude is already 5 months old (tomorrow), and August is fixing to turn 21 months old.  I have no idea where the time has gone.

I have mostly been trying to find balance lately.  Trying to figure out how to balance Bible study, quality time with each child, house work, fixing meals, working out, getting out of the house, ministering to others in our church and in our community, trying to find an outlet for myself outside of the house, and of course time with Adam.  I can't figure out the perfect balance.  It's hard to feel like I have done everything I should do in a day.  I'm trying to figure out what things need to be a priority.  To me they all sound like priorities, but I find myself unsatisfied if I don't get to all of these things in a day.  But of course, there is no way to fit all of that in, in one day.  Especially when you are working around breakfast, nap, lunch, nap, dinner, and early bed time with kiddos.  I think I need to just figure out what is needed and do-able in this season of life.  There will be other seasons that may be better for other things.  I have been changing up our schedule lately, trying to figure out the best order of things.  Here is how we are doing things right now on days where we don't go anywhere.  No set times really, just more of a routine.

-I wake up and nurse Jude around 7 or so.  He nurses and goes back to sleep.  (He sleeps in a bassinet in the playroom right now.
- I workout in the living room.  I may or may not get interrupted by August.
- I get both boys up.  August drinks his milk while I nurse Jude.
- I make breakfast and get laundry started.
- Breakfast.  August eats oatmeal, and I have a smoothie.  My smoothie is made with almond milk since Jude doesn't tolerate dairy.
- Jude plays while we eat breakfast.
- August plays with Jude and watches Sesame Street while I clean up breakfast and get my housework started.  I hate Abby's Flying Fairy School.  So dumb.
- I nurse Jude and lay him down for his morning nap.
- I put August in the playroom, and I do my Bible study in the kitchen.
- After I finish, I play with August in the playroom.
- I switch over the laundry at some point.
- Jude wakes up after napping, anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours.
- Adam comes home for lunch, and he plays with August while I nurse Jude.  Some days I fix Adam's lunch, and some days he fixes his own depending on what I have going on.
- August has lunch.  These days he will only eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (sometimes, now I think he is getting burnt out on them), grilled cheese sandwich, yogurt, fruit, graham crackers, or anything sweet.  He is super picky.
- Jude plays while August eats.
- August takes a nap.  Haha, yeah right.  :) I lay August down, and I make him stay back there for 2 hours.  Most days he does not sleep.  I used to always lay him down by 1:00, but I have figured out in the last week that if I wait until 2:00 to lay him down, he might sleep.  He was getting to where he never slept, which makes for very hard afternoons.
- I play with Jude until it's time for him to nap again.  We have been working on rolling over lately. :)
- I nurse Jude and then lay him down for a nap.
- Now is my time to get my chores for the day done.  But what usually happens is I sit down to finally have my lunch, or if I happen to have already eaten, I will have a snack.  Then sometimes I fall asleep.  I have been SO tired lately.  I think I'm staying up too late.  But I usually at least keep the laundry going. :)
- I get the boys up, nurse Jude, and August has a snack.  He usually has milk and graham crackers.
- I start supper while the boys play.  August is good at entertaining Jude.  He likes to make him smile and picks his toys up when Jude drops them.  I keep Jude in his swing or exersaucer when I can't sit with them and closely supervise.
- Adam comes home and plays with the boys while I get supper ready. 
- We eat supper together.  August rarely has what we are having.  I need to work on that.  Jude sits in his car seat on the table.  He is a beautiful center piece. :)
- After supper, Adam and August play, and Jude and I watch. :) Jude will nurse now if it has been a while.
- Adam bathes the boys while I get their pajamas ready, catch up on laundry, and straighten up the house.
- We get the boys ready for bed and say prayers together as a family.
- We tuck August in and then I go in the playroom and nurse Jude until he's sleepy, which doesn't take long.  This is my favorite part of the day with Jude.  Everything is done, and I just get to cuddle him and stare at him.  It's bliss.
- After the boys are in bed, Adam and I hang out or I catch up on laundry folding.  Laundry folding and putting away is my biggest downfall.  I never make enough time for it.
- After I get myself ready for bed, I go in and nurse Jude again, just so I can get as much sleep as possible.  He doesn't really wake up.  It's more of a "dream feed."  I nurse him anytime between 10 and midnight, and he will sleep until 7 the next morning.  It's wonderful.
- Then we do the day all over again!

When I type it out, it doesn't sound that busy.  But I am moving non stop!  I don't know where all the time goes.  I think it's mostly getting food ready, cleaning up food, cleaning up August, feeding Jude, cleaning Jude up (he spits up a lot), spraying out poopy cloth diapers (cloth diapering two is a lot of work!), etc.  Just always something to do. 

Well, I'll give a short update on the boys.  August will be 21 months old in a few days.  I jotted down an 18 month update for him a few weeks ago, but never blogged about it.  He is SO verbal.  He talks about everything.  Constantly. He is getting good at communicating with us.  He speaks his own language of course, but I understand what he is saying most of the time. His favorite thing ever is "ball."  He is obsessed with ball.  Always wants to play ball.  He also loves to go outside, which has been hard in these freezing temps.  He is also testing us lately, and has started throwing tantrums, which is hard.  I'm talking face down on the floor screaming tantrums.  It's a hard stage for all of us. 

Jude is quite the opposite right now. He is such an easy baby.  I'm so spoiled.  He is smiling all the time.  The hardest thing with him is that he doesn't want to be left alone.  He is very social and is always wanting attention.  But he is so happy when he gets it, that I don't mind giving it to him.  He very very rarely cries, and when he does cry it's usually because he is sleepy.  I don't give him much opportunity to be hungry, haha.  He is such a sweet boy.  He also has some chubby thighs!  I just wanna bite them!  He is not rolling over yet, but I'm not too worried. He will do it in his own time.  He has already sat up on his own a couple times.  He has one bottom tooth in, and I just saw that the one next to it has poked through tonight!  He is such a big boy.  I weighed him tonight, and our scale said 16.8 pounds which is probably somewhere around 16 pounds 12 ounces or so.  He is so big!  I'm so so thankful breastfeeding is working this time.  He is a champ nurser.  He usually does 4-5 minutes on one side.  Sometimes he will take the other side, but usually not. 

Well, this turned into a much bigger update than I intended.  Haha wow.  I need to get to bed.  I hope y'all are doing well!  Maybe I will get back into this blogging thing.  We will see. :)  Here are some pics!  Nevermind, stupid Blogger won't upload them, AS USUAL.  I don't have time for that.  Goodnight. :)

Jude's Birth Story: Part 5

I was starting to get very discouraged.  Why can't I be ready to push?  I wanted it to be over so bad. 

"Have you tried any counter pressure?" my midwife asked.

"No," I answered.  Would that take the pain away?? I was willing to try anything.

She showed Adam how to use his fists to apply counter pressure to my lower back.  It was instantly relieving. 

"Now I am going to do circles on your belly," my midwife said.  "Your uterus is very sensitive during labor, and it picks up on any little activity.  So when I rub circles on your belly, your muscles are going to pay attention to that, and pay less attention to the pain.  Does that make sense?" she explained.

I couldn't tell if she was making this up, trying to make me believe it was working, or if it was actually working.  Either way, I went with believing her, and it did help.  I tried my best to focus on the circles, and less on the contraction. 

Adam and my midwife worked as a team over the next few minutes.  Eventually, the counter pressure stopped working. 

"This means that the baby has moved very far down, Amanda.  He is not situated toward the back anymore.  He is in the front now.  We are very close."  I hoped she was right.

I paced around the room.  I was starting to get very hot.  I really wanted to strip off my hospital gown, but I tried to resist.  I'm not into being naked in a room full of strangers.  I asked for a cold rag, and my nurse brought it to me. 

I walked over to the tray table that was by the big window in my room.  I leaned on it and focused out the window with the rag to my forehead.  It looked so pretty outside.  My view was mostly of the parking lot, but the sky was so pretty.  I thought about how this was just a normal day to other people.  It's so strange to be in one of the biggest moments of your life, and to look out and see people driving by, like it's just any other day.  I wish I had a picture of this moment.  It felt like such a private and desperate moment for me.  I thought about the curse that God put on women in childbirth because of  Eve's sin.  I wondered what it would have felt like if there had been no sin.

I gripped the sides of the tray table, trying to control the contractions.  I remember thinking that it didn't satisfy, and that I needed to grip something else.  I felt out of control with the pain. 

"I can't do this anymore," I whimpered to Adam.  I really didn't feel like crying, but I felt like I needed to, to let him know how serious I was.  I never asked for an epidural, but I thought about it, just to let him know how much I was hurting.  Everyone had been telling me how great I was doing with the pain and how calm and collected I was.  I felt like they didn't understand how much I was hurting, because I wasn't showing it.  But at the same time, I didn't feel like I needed to show it.  It wouldn't change anything.  I would have to deal with it either way, so I just kept quiet.

In my head, I started getting upset.  I wanted to start pushing, but I did not have the urge.  I searched my body and found nothing.  No need for bearing down.  No desire to push.  I spread my legs apart and started lightly bouncing and gently bearing down.  I felt like he was low, but I still didn't need to push.  I wondered if I would ever have the urge, or if I should just start pushing.  I continued to hesitantly bear down.

"I want to start pushing.  I want her to tell me it's time to push," I whimpered again.

Adam said something to my midwife to get her to come over.  I don't remember details from here.  She tried to check me while I was standing, but she couldn't see much. 

"What side does she like to lay on?" my midwife asked Adam.

"Her right side, " he replied.  I remember being surprised that Adam knew the answer to that question.  I smiled inside.  I thought it was so sweet that he knew the answer.  I didn't think he paid attention to things like that.  When the boy sleeps, he sleeps!

"Come lay down, Amanda.  Lay on your right side.   I'm going to check you," she said as she guided me to the bed.

As soon as I started to lay down, I jumped up.

"I can't do it.  I can't lay down.  It hurts.  I can't lay down!" I yelled as I tried to pull up on the bed rails.

"I have to check you.  You need to lay down," my midwife said as she gently pushed me back into the bed.  I was surprised that she was making me lay down.  I wondered why she wouldn't let me up.

I don't remember what I said at this point, but she managed to check me and said that I was about 9.5 to 10 centimeters dilated. 

"Let's just see what happens when you push.  Give me a very little push, Amanda."

I gave the slightest push that I could.

There are no words to explain what happened at this point. 

My body began baring down on its own.  I had no control whatsoever.  I had no control over how hard I was bearing down, how long I was bearing down, or anything.  I heard myself scream.  It was a terrifying scream, to me.  I did not recognize my own voice.  It was a mixture of a scream and a groan.  My throat hurt.

"Ok, let's go ahead and get ready," my midwife tried to say as calmly as she could.  Everyone in the room started running around.  "I need someone to grab her legs.  I can't see well enough.  She needs to be on her back."

I have no idea who was holding my legs, and who was where.  My eyes were closed.  My body continued to randomly bear down. 

I bit my wash cloth and kept my head turned to the side.  I continued to scream each time I bore down.  I had no control at all.

"Would it be possible for me to catch the baby?" I heard Adam ask.

"Yes!  Let's get you suited up!  Can we get him some scrubs? Hurry!  He's coming!" my midwife called to my nurse.

"Oh, wow!  Already?" Adam asked surprised.

"Oh yes, he's coming!" My midwife exclaimed.

I was so surprised.  I didn't think he would want to catch the baby, and things were happening so fast that I was surprised he even stopped them to ask. 

I remember hearing the "ding" on the warmer.  At some point, the baby nurse had come in, and the warmer was ready.  There were so many things going on, but I felt so out of it.  So out of my mind.

I felt myself bear down.  Hard.

"There's the head! Look at the hair!" someone announced.

I felt someone start playing with the baby's hair.  How strange, I thought.

"Ok, Amanda, I need you to give me a really good push," my midwife coached.

As soon as I began my first real push (on purpose), my body took over again.  I felt my body curl into a "C" as I bore down.  The pressure was so unreal.  My body must be exploding.  I was positive that I was tearing.  How could I not be? 

"The head is out!  Great push, now we are going to wait for him to rotate," I heard my midwife say.

Adam later told me that this part scared him.  Jude's head was out, but he was completely lifeless and blue.  No breathing, no facial movements, seemingly no life in him. 

"Would you like to reach down and touch his head?" I heard a nurse ask.

"No," I answered very bluntly, eyes still closed.  I was ready to get him out.  I did not want to sit in this moment.

"Ok, he has rotated Amanda," I heard my midwife say.

I knew nothing of babies rotating.  I guess I had never really read or researched about this point in childbirth.  I sat there, waiting for a contraction.  I didn't feel the urge to push.  I laid there peacefully. 

"One more push, Amanda!  You've got to get those shoulders out!" a nurse at my left shoulder yelled.

I remember feeling very irritated at her.  Didn't she know I needed to wait until I had a contraction to push?  I was mad that she was rushing me.

I went ahead and pushed, and I felt my body step in and take over.  The pressure intensified, and just when I thought he wasn't coming out, the shoulders delivered, and I felt his whole body slide out.  I remember thinking about how I thought I felt August deliver with the epidural, but this was nothing like that.

"Look at your baby!"  I heard someone say.

I looked down as he was being placed on my chest.  (Adam did catch him, but I missed that part.  Adam said he was much more slippery than he was anticipating.)  Jude was a mixture of blue and purple.  He had a towel around him, and several nurses was rubbing him vigorously as he laid on my chest.  There was no "white stuff" on him, and he didn't have a lot of blood on him either.  I was surprised.  I realized they were trying to get him to pink up, so I began rubbing his back and talking to him.  Adam later told me that as the head came out, they saw that the cord was wrapped once around his head, and that my midwife had to slip it off of him. 

"It's mommy.  It's mommy, honey.  I love you.  It's ok," I whispered to him. 

He began to open his eyes and look at me.  His color started to improve. 

"He knows his momma!"  One of the nurses said.

I am not sure how long I held him.  I remember feeling his cord rubbing up against my arm.  It was a very uncomfortable feeling.  The cord was so thick and big.  My midwife said it was very healthy.  I didn't like the way it felt on my arm, all rubbery.  But what I really didn't like was the way I felt it tugging inside of me.  I could feel it tugging on the placenta.  I remembered it still had to come out, and I wondered if it would hurt. 

"Ok, Amanda.  It's been a couple minutes, so we are going to go ahead and cut the cord.  Adam, would you like to cut it?" my midwife asked.

Adam said yes, and they handed him the scissors.  I could tell the cord was very tough. 

After a couple minutes, my midwife suggested that I give Jude to the baby nurse to have his vitals checked and his weights and measurements done.  I'm not sure if there was any kind of emergency, but I remember my midwife looking very attentively to things going on down below. 

A nurse came over to my bedside and hooked something up to my IV.  I'm still not sure if it was fluids or Pitocin, but I am betting Pitocin since my placenta still hadn't come out yet.  As soon as the IV was hooked up into the port, my midwife began pressing on my belly.  After a minute or so, I felt the placenta slide out. 

"Was that the placenta?  Can I see it?"  I asked.  Placentas always fascinate me.

My midwife held it up.  It was huge and bright red!  She showed me the hole where she had broken my water.  I couldn't believe how big the hole was!  It was about the size of a baseball.  She said the placenta was very healthy.

My midwife told me she was going to start looking for tears.

"I have found a tear that is about this big." According to her finger span, it was a pretty decent size.  "I would say it's a 2nd degree tear.  I am going to clean you up and look for more tears, ok?" 

I was very disappointed that I had torn again.  My legs were shaking so badly that they were convulsing.  It worried me, but I hoped it was just adrenaline.  My teeth were also chattering pretty badly. 

As my midwife cleaned me, she began to find more tears.  She gave me a numbing shot next to each of the tears before she began stitching.  The shot was very painful.  After the shot, I could feel the tugging of the sewing.  I tried not to cry.  The last 2 stitches she found at the last minute, and had to sew them up without a shot.  That was the hardest part.

During this time, the baby nurse tried to keep me distracted.  She announced Jude's weight: 8 pounds 8 ounces!  20 inches long!  I couldn't believe he was so big. He was the same length as August, but heavier.  And it showed!  He was so chunky. 

When my midwife had finally finished the stitches, I somehow managed to lift up so they could change the sheets underneath me.  They covered me with a blanket and handed Jude back to me.  I began to calm down, and my body started to relax.  I nursed him for the first time, just 20 minutes or so after birth.  He latched right away.  Not a great latch, but we would work on that.  I was just glad we were able to.  I can't even remember if he took both sides or not.  But I remember that we looked into each other's eyes as he nursed, and it was a beautiful moment.  I felt so at peace. 

We stayed at the hospital two nights after that and left without any complications for either Jude or for me.  It was a wonderful experience.  My recovery was so much easier this time around.  I was up walking around very soon after his birth.  I told Adam right after I had him that I would never have a natural birth again.  However, not even a week later, my tune had changed.  I now can't wait to do it again.  It's so funny how that works.  Adam laughs every time I say I would do it again.  But you really can't beat the simplicity and the experience of a natural child birth.  The pain and the work are so worth it.  I am so thankful that I was able to have this experience.  It is forever engraved into my heart.  Every time I look at Jude and he looks back at me, I feel like we have this bond between us that no one else can understand.  I can't think about his birth without getting teary-eyed.  It's such a part of me.  I am so grateful to God for His hand in Jude's birth and to my husband and midwife for their amazing support.  It was such a beautiful experience.  We love Jude so much, and I am looking forward to our life together as a family of 4.....well, 4 for now.  ;)

 

 

 

 

Hearing Test....passed 100%

 

 

Not happy about his first time in his car seat

 

 

Took a pic of my recovery room as we were leaving

 

I wanted to remember what my belly looked like the day we went home.

 

Leaving!