Saturday, January 26, 2013

Are you a "Has Been?"

A week ago, August and I went to watch Adam play hockey.  He plays in a local adult league every week.  He has played hockey since he was in middle school.  He enjoys the sport and the exercise.  It's a good break for him from the work week.  August and I usually don't go since it has been so cold, but we decided we would go watch him last week since it was the play-offs.

As August and I were sitting in the stands waiting on the game to start, some young college-age girls started pouring into the stands with a few guys mixed in.  The scent of the girls' perfumes mixed in the air as they walked past us.  I watched them as they got in their seats.  They were talking about the restaurant they had just left and what they would be doing after the hockey game, where would they go, who they would go with, etc.  I noticed their hair in intricate braids, messy buns, and smooth curls.  The smell of lip gloss spread through the air as they touched up their makeup.  I noticed how their nails shined with polish in the bright arena lights. Their dangly earrings and new boots indicated that they had other places to go besides a hockey game.  They looked flawless.  Their laughter filled the stands as they joked about the latest gossip.  I wondered what it was like to be them. 

I had forgotten about that life.  I used to be able to decide on a whim where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do.  My middle name was Spontaneity. I stayed out late, went wherever I wanted, and slept in until noon.  I used to have all the time in the world to get ready.  I used to have clear skin.  I used to be thinner.  I used to have money to spend on fashionable clothing from the mall.  I used to wear lip gloss until my son started smearing it across my face.  I used to wear perfume until my pregnant nose got to where it couldn't handle the scent of it.  I used to try to fix my hair in different styles years ago. I used to be them.  I used to be free to go and do and be. I used to have fun like that.

I looked down at myself.  I was wearing maternity jeans (at 8 weeks pregnant), Walmart slip-ons, a jacket from 7 years ago, my hair style was leftover from the day before, and I had a little bit of foundation left on my face from that morning.  No mascara, no lip gloss, no nail polish.  I felt embarrassed.  I felt washed-up.  I felt like a "has-been" even though I looked like a "never-even-was."

Do you ever struggle with that?  You feel like you used to be somebody?  You used to "have a life."  You used to have a free life.  A fun and glamorous life.  You used to make your own schedule.  You used to wear impractical clothing because you didn't have to think about being able to chase your kids around. 

I don't make my schedule anymore.  August makes my schedule.  My day works around his day- when he's hungry, when he naps, when he gets a bath, when he goes to bed.  I wear comfortable clothing because it drives me nuts (and scares innocent bystanders) when my butt is hanging out of my pants, or my shirt is half way up my back.  I rarely get to wear lip gloss because August smears it off my face, and I rarely paint my nails because they never have time to dry because I'm soon off taking care of the next thing.  Maybe I will paint them tonight just for fun.  We will see.

But you know what?  I also remember when I was one of those girls.  I remember that life.  I used to have that life.  And you know what?  I was lonely.  So lonely.  On the outside, it looked like I had my life together.  I was dating off and on......mostly on......but I was still lonely.  I was a professing believer in God, but I was not acting like one.  I knew what I really wanted though.  I wanted so badly to have a Christian husband, a home of our own, kids, I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mommy.  That's what I really wanted.  I didn't want the life I had.  It felt like I was just passing the time.  It felt very temporary and unfulfilling. It felt empty and cold.  

It was funny seeing those girls.  It was like looking back in time at myself.  To me, those girls look like they have everything.  But remembering what it's like to be them, I realize that I have everything.  I now have a real relationship with Jesus Christ, I have a Christian husband named Adam, a beautiful, humble home with everything I need, a gorgeous son named August whom I get to stay at home with every single day, and another sweet baby on the way.  I have it all.  I "have a life."  (Please understand that those girls very well may have a relationship with God, I don't know, but I am just reflecting back on my life at that time.)

I still have to stop myself from longing for the care-free, all about me, lifestyle from the past.  But it was so nice to have that reminder last week that even when I did have that life, it wasn't what I wanted.  I am trying to remember that this is the life I really wanted.  I have the prize.  I have the fulfilled life.  I'm sure Satan will continue to throw the lie at me that there is more out there that I am missing out on, but I will do my very best, with help from the Lord, to let him know that I am right where God intended for me to be.  This life may be harder day to day, but it has eternal rewards that I can't see right now.  But I have faith that God will multiply my daily efforts to make this life completely incomparable to the life of my past.  I will hold onto that promise that if I lose my life here and now, I will gain it for eternity. 

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Thank You, Lord

This morning as I was cleaning up the kitchen, I found myself thinking about how mundane it can be to do the same chores every day: empty the dishwasher, take the clothes out of the dryer to be folded, make the bed, start a new load of laundry, etc.  Just as I was trying to think of another way to get all this done besides doing it every day, the Lord spoke to my heart.  He started turning my silly complaints into blessings that I should be thankful for.  I love how He does that.  He never lets me feel sorry for myself, which I am grateful for.  I immediately felt rebuked, but I now realize all of these inconveniences are blessings.  I am going to do my very best to always see it this way, to combat the discontentment that Satan will undoubtedly feed me.  I decided to write out a few of the complaints I have in my daily life, and instead of complaining, I can turn it into thankfulness.

1. I hate unloading this dishwasher every single day.  Thank You, Lord that I have a dishwasher.  I didn't have to stay up late and wash these by hand.  The dishes were clean and ready for use when I got up this morning.

2. This laundry is never-ending.  I feel like I am constantly doing laundry.  Thank You, Lord that I have a working washer and dryer.  Thank You for the money you have given us to buy clothes.  Thank You that I can purchase clothing to keep my family warm.  Thank You for the bodies that fill this clothing.

3. I feel like I just swept this floor yesterday.  Now it's covered in crumbs and dirt.  Thank You, Lord that we are able to have crumbs that cover this floor.  It means we are eating.  Thank You for the dirt that was tracked in.  It means my family can walk and that my husband has been working hard for us out in the cold.

4. There are toys and baby gear everywhere.  This place looks like a daycare.  Thank You, Lord for my son.  Thank You for this precious gift of life.  Thank You for the people who have given us the toys and baby gear to help my son learn and grow safely.  Thank You for the gift of fertility in me.  Thank You for August's health and that he is able to play with these toys.

5. I hate cooking supper.  I don't even know what to fix.  Thank You, Lord that I even have this dilemma.  Some mothers worry because they don't have any food for their children.  I have a pantry, fridge, and freezer that would appear full to someone who has nothing.  Please help me to use my resources wisely and to share what we have with others.

First meal I ever fixed for Adam as a married couple...soup.  It was only 90 degrees outside, and he had just come in from mowing. :) Haha.
6. My husband leaves his clothes everywhere.  I feel like I am always picking up after everyone.  Thank You, Lord that I have a husband.  Thank You that my husband leaves his clothes here and not at another woman's house.  Thank You for his faithfulness in our marriage.  Thank You for the way my husband lives according to Your Word.  Thank You for the way he provides for our family.  Thank You for the way he loves me and our son.  Thank You that he is imperfect, because if he were, he definitely wouldn't be with me!

7. Our back yard is a mud pit every time it rains.  The dogs are always tracking mud in.  Thank You, Lord that we have a backyard.  That is a privilege that we have a safe, fenced in area to be outside.  Many people don't know what it's like to even be safe outside.  Thank You for our country and that we can go outside without fear.  Thank You for the companionship that our dogs provide. 

8. I didn't sleep at all last night.  I am exhausted.  Thank You, Lord that I have a nice bed to rest my head and my body at night.  Even though I couldn't sleep, I was still home in my quiet, warm house.  I wasn't working late hours or separated from my family.  Thank You for the time I got to lay close to my husband.  That is a blessing.  Thank You that You were not sleeping, and I was able to talk with You.

9. I don't know what my son wants.  I have fed him, changed him, played with him, and held him, and he is still fussing.  I can't handle this! Thank You, Lord for teaching me patience.  Thank You for molding me to depend on you.  Thank You that the testing of faith produces endurance (James 1:3).  Thank You that I am able to stay at home with August and take care of him.  Thank You for giving me hearing, not only to hear his crying, but for hearing his laughter.  Thank You for reminding me, that this too shall pass.  One day I will miss these days, and I will long to do them again.  Thank You for loving my son.  Thank You for giving me Your only Son, Jesus Christ.  Thank You for His sacrifice and that my son does not have to make that same sacrifice. 

Soooo grumpy.  Mom, don't make fun of my grumpiness.

Nope, still not gonna smile.

Oh the things we do to try and get our kids to smile. 

10. I just don't have the same body I once had.  My hips are wider (which I didn't think would be possible since they were already so wide), the baby weight is slow to come off (now not coming off since I'm pregnant again), my skin looks horrible, and I just don't feel like a woman anymore.  I feel like a mom.  Thank You, Lord for my wide hips.  It means I was built to carry life inside of me.  Thank You that they are now wider, since it means a baby has passed through them.  Some women who deal with infertility would give anything to have this "complaint."  Thank You that my struggle is with extra weight and not starvation.  Thank You for giving me the restraint and the knowledge to know how to eat healthily, even though I abuse it.  Please help me to make the best choices I can with my eating habits and to be content with the shape of the body You gave me.  Thank You that Your idea of beauty is not the same as the world's.  Thank You that you value a gentle and quiet spirit over a tiny waist and flawless skin. Please help me to step away from the t.v., magazines, and internet so that I can block out all of the false messages about how the world thinks I should look.  Thank You for my hormones which help me to get pregnant, grow a baby, regulate my body, and produce milk.  Thank You that I am a mom!  Thank You for this high and holy calling, even though the world doesn't view it that way.  You have told me in Your Word that there is no greater calling and blessing for me, as a woman, to be a mother.  Thank You for valuing motherhood and for helping me with my daily tasks.  Thank You that you have built my body so that I may complete everything I need to get done in a day.  Thank you for making me.  My body is Your masterpiece, and it is beautiful. 

The day before August was born.
3 weeks old
6 weeks postpartum

2 months postpartum
3 months postpartum

4 months old
4 months postpartum
5 months postpartum
6 months old

Pregnant with Baby #2 at 7 and 1/2 months postpartum
Thank you, Lord for giving me life today.  Thank you for the opportunity to love and care for my family, to sacrifice my body for Your kingdom, and to most importantly bring You glory. Thank you that I am Yours.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

8 Weeks Pregnant

I am 8 weeks pregnant today!  Woo hoo!  This past week, I have been really sick.  I have had morning sickness just about every morning, but the feeling of morning sickness lingers throughout the entire day.  That's the worst part.  I actually feel better in the morning after I have gotten sick a few times, but then the feeling that I need to get sick again continues during the day.  That part is awful.  I haven't eaten healthily this week.  I eat whatever feels like it will settle my stomach.  I think I have gained just over 2 pounds so far, but I dunno how concrete those pounds are, because the number seems to fluctuate each morning I get on the scale. 

This week the pack n play, cartoons, and spaghetti o's have been my best friends for August.  That's awful, I know.  I never have the t.v. on during the day, but August loves to watch it, and I don't want him becoming a couch potato, but this week I just needed some rest.  So I turned on cartoons for the first time, and August loved it.  He has also been playing really well in his pack n play which is nice because I can't watch him well when I'm running back and forth to the bathroom.  Also, I haven't been able to stomach the smell of pureed baby food.  So this week he has eaten a lot of table food, and he has also had spaghetti o's a few times.  I know those aren't the best nutrition wise, but I can tolerate the smell of them, and August loves the taste of them.  It's a win win! :)  I have been eating my fair share of spaghetti o's as well. Here is a video of him eating some leftover chicken and rice that I made for supper one night.  He loves to eat.


Yesterday was the first day of sunshine we have had in almost 2 weeks.  It was sooooo wonderful to get up with the bright, beautiful sun.  It's amazing what sunshine can do for your mood.  I didn't realize how much I needed some sunlight!  So yesterday I felt much better just because of that.  I ate a decent breakfast of eggs, had my morning devotion, deep cleaned the kitchen, ran a few loads of laundry, and August and I even got out of the house for about an hour.  It was really nice.  I needed that. 

Today has been great too!  We had a lazy morning.  For brunch, we got out of the house and got some Bojangles.  Loooove Bojangles!  I talked to my friend Becky on the phone a few minutes prior to leaving the house, and she said she, Pascal and Liam would be up that way at the grocery store.  I told her we might run into each other, but I didn't really think we would.  When we got to Bojangles, sure enough, they were at the intersection right next to the restaurant.  So after we chased each other around the building in our cars a few times trying to find each other, haha, we finally met and decided to eat together.  We had a blast sharing stories, talking about our kids, and anticipating their departure to Mauritius.  They are going to be permanent missionaries to Mauritius, and I am so glad for them, but I am selfishly very sad that they are leaving.  Becky and I have become such great friends over the last year, and I really really hate to see her go.  We have planned to keep in touch through Skype and e-mail, but I will really miss hanging out with them.  Becky and Pascal have such a heart for the Lord, and are dedicated to following His will.  That's really hard to find in young couples and young adults these days.  We are hoping that we will be able to go and visit them in Mauritius, but it will have to be God's will because we definitely don't have the money to make a trip like that.  But God will provide a way if He wants us to go!

Well, I need to catch up on some housework while August is napping and Adam is a praise team practice.  The house got a little bit neglected during my sick week.  I hope y'all are doing well!  Happy Saturday! :)

Monday, January 14, 2013

August's Breastfeeding Story

Disclaimer: If you are a man, you probably don't want to read this. It might be awkward.  Just sayin'!

I have been wanting to write this for a while, but it seemed so daunting that I kept putting it off.  Breastfeeding has been a huge part of my life for the last 8 months, and I am sad that this chapter with August has closed.  I did not plan for it to end so soon, but I am finally starting to accept it.  I am writing this to record our experience for my own memory and to also encourage other women to press on through the struggles of breastfeeding.  I know reading the stories of other moms online really helped me realize I wasn't alone.  I am also writing this experience so that I can learn from what I did wrong, so that I can correct it with my next baby (coming  August 31st!). 

Prior to August's birth, I had not read any material at all on breastfeeding.  I just assumed since it was a natural thing to do, it would just come naturally.  I did not know a single thing about how milk is made, problems that may arise during breastfeeding, different holds, pumping techniques/output, latch issues, etc.  I did not know a single thing.  Me being the researcher that I am, you would have thought that I would have read up on this.  Honestly I had read so much about labor and pregnancy, that I really hadn't thought much about reading about breastfeeding.  It's just so natural, right?  I highly highly encourage anyone who is planning to breastfeed to read everything you can about it!

Let me start from the beginning.  Minutes after August was born, we discovered that he had a tongue tie.  A tongue tie is where the frenulum (thin layer of skin that attaches your tongue to the bottom of your mouth) reaches all the way to the tip of the tongue.  When a baby has a tongue tie (a severe one like August's), they have no control of their tongue.  Therefore, they cannot effectively nurse.  When they do try to nurse, the tongue gets tired very quickly because it has to work so hard to even move.  One of the lactation consultants told me that it would need to be clipped so that August would be able to nurse, however that was not something that was done in the hospital.  We would need to be referred to an ENT (Ear nose throat specialist).  My labor nurse told me that he could overcome the tongue tie, and that she would help me to nurse him.

The very first time I breastfed August was a couple hours (if not more) after birth.  Unfortunately we did not get that immediate breastfeeding experience right after he was born due to labor complications.  (You can read his birth story HERE).  Two lactation consultants came in to help us with our first time.  I really don't remember much about it.  I was still on Magnesium Sulfate, so I was very weak and very tired.  I remember that I had a lot of trouble holding August because I just did not have any strength.  One of the lactation consultants held him up for me, and the other lactation consultant guided August's head so that he would latch.  August was very sleepy and was not that interested in eating.  After a few minutes, he and I both fell asleep.  I knew I was dozing, and I kept trying really hard to stay awake, but I was just so exhausted.  I apologized that I was so tired, and the consultants told me that I could go to sleep and they would keep trying to get August to nurse.  It sounds like an awkward situation, but I was too out of it to care.  I was exhausted.  The consultants stayed with us for 2 hours straight trying to get him to nurse.  I felt so bad that they spent so much time with us, but it really says a lot for my hospital and how much they value breastfeeding, so I was very grateful. 

Our stay in the hospital was longer than planned due to my blood pressure.  We stayed for a total of 4 days, even though I had only planned for 2.  During that time, breastfeeding seemed to be getting better.  August and I both became much more alert, especially once I was off of the Magnesium.  He started out only nursing off of one side at a time for about 3-5 minutes......every 4 hours or so.  Yep, that's a really long time in between nursing sessions.  I had no idea about how often to feed a newborn.  The hospital had a policy that if the baby hadn't eaten in 5 hours, then the baby would have to be supplemented.  So I always made sure to get the feeding in under that 5 hour mark.  I had no idea how often to feed him!  A couple days after he was born, he was nursing for 30 minutes on each side.  My milk still hadn't come in, but he was getting colostrum.  I had no idea colostrum was so important.  I wish I had read about how good it is for the little babies!  I thought things were looking up.  Then 2 full days after August had been born, a nurse came into the room in the middle of the night to tell me that they had weighed August, and he had lost a full pound since birth.  He was down to 7 pounds.  My heart broke.  I know that babies lose weight, but the nurse said that this was more than 10% of his weight, which meant that August would need to be supplemented until he could get his weight up. The nurse brought me a bottle of formula and showed me how to do it.  Tears rolled down my face as I fed him the formula.  I felt like such a failure.  My little baby was hungry, and I couldn't feed him.  The nurse told me that it was totally normal, and that my milk would come in, and he would be fine.  I still felt useless. 

Fast forward a couple days.  It's the day after we are released from the hospital, and August is 4 days old.  We have his first doctor's appointment, which was a challenge since I was barely even walking the day before due to tons of stitches from the birth.  We had to have a doctor's appointment the day after he was released from the hospital because they wanted to check August's weight again.  August's doctor was not available for an appointment on such short notice, so we had to see another doctor in the practice.  I wasn't very happy that we weren't seeing his actual doctor, since we hadn't seen him the first time since August was born.  (A different doctor also in the practice signed off on August's papers for release from the hospital.)  I told the doctor at the appointment about August's tongue tie.  I told him how August has been losing weight, and that I was starting to have some pain with breastfeeding.  I asked him if he would refer August to an ENT to have the tongue clipped. 

"I don't think that will be necessary.  He will learn to adjust to the tongue tie," the doctor told me.

"But he is losing weight, and won't he have a speech impediment if he doesn't have it clipped?" I asked.  A nurse in the hospital told me that he would.

"Yes, but we will get it clipped before he starts speaking," the doctor said.

????????? I was super confused, as I imagine you are too.  If he does have to have it clipped at some point, why not now?  Why not make nursing easier and get it over with for him?  What's the point in putting it off if he needs it done now?

The following days, I started having some serious pain when I was nursing him.  When he would latch, I would cry out in agony.  I have never felt pain like this in my life. It's hard to describe that kind of pain.  It was a sharp, shooting pain that jolted through my entire body.  It was unbearable to feed my son.  I dreaded feeding him, which I felt terrible about.  I would stare at the clock, and dread the minutes ticking by.  It was awful.  I would cut him off as soon as his 10 minutes on that side were up.  This part might be TMI for some, but my nipples cracked open, bled, and scabbed and would repeat the process every time he nursed.  It was awful.  This was probably the lowest point in my life ever.  I was sobbing every few hours.  We were still supplementing, and sometimes I would skip a nursing session and just supplement.  I couldn't take it.

When he turned 9 days old, I turned 25 years old.  For my birthday, Adam and I went out with August and got some ice cream at Dairy Queen.  I only wanted one present for my birthday.  A breast pump.  I didn't have one because I didn't plan on using one since I would be staying home with August.  Since I was guessing my breast pain was due to August's latch with his tongue tie, I thought the breast pump might help.  We had a gift card and not much money to work with, so we just got one of the cheaper ones.  I also picked up some nipple shields while we were there. 

I began pumping August's bottles, but I wasn't getting much since I didn't know any pumping techniques.  (It is very important to relax during pumping, but I always had a screaming baby, so I was very worked up).  I started getting sore from the breast pump, but it still wasn't as bad as August's latch. August cried every feeding because he was still hungry.  He never seemed satisfied.  The nipple shields didn't help us much because he would get so tired using them.  It was even harder to get the milk out, and he was already struggling enough with his tongue tie. 

After that weekend, I decided I would call and making the appointment myself with the ENT without a referral.  I was his mother, and I could make this decision if I wanted to!  I had had it.  So on Monday morning, I called the ENT and booked the appointment.  It would be a 3 week wait.  I didn't think we would last 3 weeks.  I really didn't know how we would make it that long. 

During those 3 weeks, the pain continued to be unbearable.  I had a lot of encouragement from a friend and my mom during that time.  Without their encouragement, I would have given up.  My mom told me it took her 6 weeks to get the hang of breastfeeding with me.  That is a long, long time to endure that kind of pain.

Finally 3 weeks came.  We didn't have to wait long at the ENT office.  They called us back and briefly explained to me what they would be doing and that I should immediately notice a difference with his latch.  I cried as they took him to another room to perform the procedure.  They told me that it would be painless and quick and that there wouldn't be much bleeding.  They would have to strap him down and then they would use a small pair of scissors to snip the frenulum.  It only took a minute or two, and he was back in the room in my arms.  I was so relieved it was over, and he only had a drop of blood under his tongue.  I immediately nursed him as soon as the doctor left the room, and I could already tell a difference with his latch.  It wasn't painless, but it was a lot different. 

The next few weeks, my nipples had to get used to his new latch, so we went through the crack, bleed, scab process all over again.  I had started getting used to his old (bad) latch, and now I had to get used to a more correct latch.  It was a lot for me to endure.  I will have to say that God showed me more mercy and forgiveness in those weeks than ever.  I was constantly praying for forgiveness for my sinful thoughts.  I'm sure I thought a few choice words that shouldn't be in my brain at all.  Thankfully, they never came out of my mouth.

Things slowly but surely started getting better.  I decided to completely cut out supplementing with formula and pumping and just go for it.  I knew if we were going to do this breastfeeding thing, then I needed to full out commit to it no matter what.  So I began nursing August every 2 hours.  He would nurse for about 20 minutes per side, making our sessions 40 minutes long.  So I would have an hour and 20 minutes in between feedings.  It was a busy time, but I was determined to make it work.   

August began growing and putting on weight.  By 2 months old, he was in the 98th percentile for height.  He was in the 20th something percentile for weight, but neither Adam nor I were chunky babies.  He continued to grow and put on weight.  Our breastfeeding relationship was wonderful at this point.  It became really convenient to feed him while I was out, and he also began sleeping through the night.  It was no longer painful, but felt completely natural and pain-free.  We even took a trip to Dollywood when he was 4 months old.  I highly recommend Dollywood for breastfeeding moms.  They have very nice nursing stations all over the park.  Each station has comfortable rocking chairs, a little reading area with books for older children, and they also have changing stations with a private restroom for moms.  It was wonderful. 

During the time that he was 2-3 months old, I got up and pumped once during the night just to have some extra milk on hand so that I could leave him with my mom some.  I would pump about 4-5 ounces per session.  I only did this 2-3 weeks because I really wanted to just enjoy my sleep. :)

When August turned 4 months old, I decided to start a strenuous exercise program.  I had been walking up until this point, but I still had about 14 pounds (out of 51) left to lose, and it just wasn't coming off.  I began working out doing the Insanity program.  I also reduced the amount of calories I was eating, but I was not counting calories.  I had no idea how many calories I was taking in, but I was afraid that if I started counting them, then I wouldn't take in enough for August.  The weight started to drop off, and the inches dropped off even faster. 

When August turned about 4 and 1/2 months old, he went from taking 20-30 minutes per session in total to about 10 minutes total per session.  I assumed he was getting more efficient at getting the milk out.  Then he started waking up at night.  I started wondering if he was hungry.  I paid close attention to his hunger cues during the day.  We decided to start him on rice cereal right around 5 months old.  He looooooved the rice cereal.  I worried that he seemed so hungry for it.

Over the next few weeks, he began taking a shorter and shorter amount of time to nurse.  He got down to 5 minutes (to complete both sides).  I knew he couldn't be getting enough, but he would pull off and be done.  He never cried or tried to nurse more.  I continued to make him nurse every 2 hours, but welcomed him to nurse more often if he chose.  He didn't want to though.  We continued with the rice cereal and even began introduced apples and pumpkin.  He loved it.

At the age of 6 months, he developed a really bad diaper rash.  I put all kinds of rash cream on it as well as cornstarch, and nothing was helping.  It turned into an awful dry, scabbed rash.  I didn't know what to do, so I made an appointment with the doctor.  When they weighed him, I thought his weight was kind of low.  But I wasn't that focused on it.  We saw the nurse practitioner since his doctor was not there.  She told me that August had eczema.  As she looked as his chart, she noticed something. 

He had lost weight since the last time he was there, at 4 months. 

An infant should never lose weight, for any reason.  I began crying.  I had noticed over the last few days that he hadn't really changed much in the last couple months.  He was about the same size he had been for a while.  However, he hadn't cried at all to tell me he was hungry.  He was sleeping through the night since starting solids.  I never cut him off while he was nursing, and he never went more than 2 hours in between feeding.  I didn't understand why this was happening.

"Is your supply low?" the nurse asked me.

"Not that I know of.  He never complains.  I always nurse him before I offer him solids.  He is also sleeping through the night."

"Well, he will need to be supplemented until he can get back up to a good weight."  She began taking some formula samples out of the cabinet.

I started sobbing.  I felt like such a failure.  Thankfully Adam was off work that day and was able to go with me to the doctor's office.  He comforted me and told me it would be ok.

"When you go home, I want you to pump and call me back to tell me how much you are getting.  Then we will decide how much he needs to be supplemented," the nurse told me.  "No more solids until he gets his weight up.  Solids don't have as many calories as breast milk and formula, but they will fill up his tummy.  So he needs the high calorie milk."

I got a little irritated at this point.  If you know anything about breastfeeding, you know that output while pumping does not equal what the baby gets out during a session.  Babies are much more efficient at getting milk out.  Plus at this point, I hadn't pumped in at least 3 months.  Pumping is something that your body has to learn to do.  I have heard it described as an art.  I knew I wasn't going to get much. The amount you pump is NO indication of your supply.  This much I knew.  But of course I couldn't argue with the numbers.  August was losing weight.

I got an ounce out through pumping.  I called the nurse back, and she told me to continue to breastfeeding him and to supplement him with 4 ounces every 4 hours. 

I know that supplementing will not do anything for your supply.  At this point, I had learned the supply/demand factor with breastfeeding.  However, August had lost weight, and he needed to be supplemented.  That was what we had to do. 

I began taking fenugreek.  Fenugreek is an herb that is used in Indian food, and it has been found to increase your milk production.  It does this by stimulating your sweat glands, and your milk ducts are a form of sweat gland.  It does make you smell like maple syrup, which is good or bad depending on if you like pancakes.  I could tell that I would wake up with a lot more milk, and I would have to nurse him as soon as I woke up.  I'm not sure how much milk I had in the morning, because he was always ready to nurse as soon as he woke up, so I never got to pump it.  However, I would pump some during the day to check my supply, and I was only getting about 2 ounces. 

I continued to supplement him.  He continued to nurse less and less.  He looooved the formula.  I felt so bad for how much he loved it.  He clearly hadn't been getting much from me.  Nursing sessions got down to 2-3 minutes total.  I tried to nurse him more often and for longer periods, but it would only make him mad.  He wanted the bottle.  After a 2-3 weeks, I stopped the fenugreek.  It was useless since August wasn't wanting to nurse anyway. 

A few weeks later, at Thanksgiving, August and I got the flu.  It was horrible.  I was so sick that I could barely nurse him, and he was so sick, he didn't want to even attempt nursing.   He was almost 7 months old.  During this time, he began to rely more and more on the formula.

At this time, August was definitely putting on weight and even started chunking up.  After about a month and a half of formula, I added food back into his diet.  He got to where he only nursed about 3 times a day.  By 7 and 1/2 months, he was nursing twice a day- first thing in the morning and right before bed.  He didn't want it more than that and would get upset when I would offer it to him.

A few days after that, he was only nursing once a day-first thing in the morning.  A few days before he turned 8 months, he refused to nurse in the morning.  He was very eager for the bottle and wanted nothing to do with me.  I decided that when he turned 8 months old, I wasn't going to make him nurse anymore.  If he wanted to, I would, and if he didn't, I wasn't going to force him. 

He may have nursed once after that.  He has now stopped nursing, and he hasn't looked back.  He never roots on me, and the times that I think he might be, I will offer it to him, and all he does is lay his head on me.  He won't even attempt to nurse.  It is really sad for me, and I have shed many many tears over it, but this is what he wants. 

I know a lot of women would disagree with me and say that I should continue to take fenugreek and other herbs and pump all day long and drink tons of water to try to increase my supply.  I did that for 3 weeks, and I was a nervous wreck.  I couldn't tend to August because I was pumping all day long. I was constantly upset that I wasn't able to get anything out, and the fact that I had a cheap pump wasn't helping. 

I am proud of myself for breastfeeding August as long as I did.  My goal was to breastfeed him for at least a year, but he had other plans.  August has always wanted to grow up quickly.  My little man.  I gave him my immunity, and I fed him during the important early months. 

There are a lot of things I would do differently if I could do it again, but I can't go back.  I can only learn and go on.  These are some of the things that I will change for my next baby.

To Do for next time

- If at all possible, breastfeed immediately after birth.  I think this sets the stage for a good breastfeeding relationship.
-Breastfeed very often, at least every 2 hours immediately after birth.
- Breastfeed with a nursing cover a whole lot more in the beginning.  August was never a fan of the cover, and I really didn't use it much until I needed to.  I should have gotten him used to it so I would have been more confident breastfeeding in public.
- I will read everything I can about breastfeeding.
-If the baby is born with a tongue tie, I will insist that it immediately get clipped.
- I will hold off with solids until 6 months.  (This one isn't set in stone.  I am willing to change this as long as he/she is getting enough breast milk.)
- I will do my best to avoid excessive weight gain in pregnancy.  This way I hopefully won't have to do anything super rigorous to get the weight off.  I believe the rigorous working out and reduced calories may have been one of the main reasons for my supply reduction.  **I do want to say that I don't blame Insanity.  I have a friend who does Insanity, and her milk production was not affected.  I think mine was affected because it was the first time I have ever really done anything that rigorous, and I also dramatically cut calories during that time as well.**
- I also believe that we never really established our breastfeeding relationship.  With such a rocky beginning, I don't think I ever had the supply that I could have had if he had nursed more often in the beginning. My body never knew that I needed that much milk since I didn't demand that much milk in the early days and weeks.

August nursing at 6 and 1/2 months old
So that is our story.  It makes me sad, thinking about it, but August is a very happy, healthy boy.  Now that I am pregnant with our second child, I am trying to enjoy this nursing break so that I can prepare my mind and my body to nurse the next one.  I never thought much of formula before all of this happened, but I am very thankful that we have things like formula when things don't work like they are supposed to.  August and I have closed this chapter together, but I am excited to see what new ones we will open. 


Photography in this post by Samantha Willis

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Saturday, December 29, 2012

This post was written Saturday, December 29, 2012 and was posted to the blog Sunday, January 13, 2013.

Well, August slept in until 9:30 this morning, which was wonderful.  Of course, he didn't get in bed until 11 because we were at my father in-law's house doing a late Christmas get together.  It was a lot of fun.  We ate, opened presents, and played a mean game of Uno (as usual).  I think that's our family's thing- Uno.  Haha.  It's always fun.  August got a high chair last night.  Can you believe we have made it almost 8 months with no high chair?  We have been using the off brand Bumbo seat on the floor for meal times.  Haha.  Having a high chair will be soooo nice.  I am going to attempt to put it together after I lay August down for his morning nap. 

We told Adam's dad and brother last night that we are expecting!  They were shocked. Jason (Adam's brother) said, "You're pregnant again?!" Yeah, haha, that was my reaction too the first time.  Adam's dad sat down and said "Are you serious?"  Haha.  He wasn't mad or anything, just obviously very surprised.  I kind of forget how shocking it is the first time you hear it.  They are excited for us though. 

Adam got called into work in the middle of the night.  He works for a phone/internet company.  He had to go out and assist with getting a tree out of the road.  It was on a phone line, so that's why he got called.  So he is still sleeping this morning. 

I woke up this morning craving juice, which is what I did every morning when I was pregnant with August.  Maybe we're having another boy???  I have no idea.  I'm really not feeling anything either way.  We don't have any juice in the house though, so I ate some tangerines instead.  They were sooooo good. 

I guess we will tell my family by New Year's if not before.  I really just want to call them up and tell them, but then I wouldn't get to see their reaction.  Haha.  Well, I have to tend to August.  Update you later!

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Friday, December 28, 2012

This post was written Friday, December 28, 2012 and was posted to the blog on Saturday, January 12, 2013.

Well, still pregnant, and still only a few people (close friends/people Adam works with) know. No family yet.  I'm so ready for everyone to know!  We are having a late Christmas tonight with Adam's dad though, so I think we are going to tell him then.  We haven't seen my parents since Christmas, so we haven't really had an opportunity to tell them.  We are thinking we will tell them New Year's Eve or New Year's Day maybe.  I probably won't make it public knowledge til after we have had a doctor's appointment.  I guess I'll really believe I am officially pregnant then.  Haha.

I still haven't seen the doctor due to our insurance waiting period.  A couple people have told me about a pregnancy resource center in the area that does free pregnancy tests and ultrasounds.  I looked them up online, but they are closed until January 2nd.  Adam is finding out today exactly what day our insurance becomes active.  I wonder if we could back charge or whatever you call it....some insurances will go back and pay for things you had done during the waiting period. Hmmmm, maybe we could ask about that.

My feelings about being pregnant have definitely changed.  I'm usually pretty good about accepting how things are and adjusting my mind to focus on what needs to be done now.  I am now excited, and I am embracing being pregnant.  I know that this is a blessing, and it is God's plan.  So that is exciting!!!! Right? :)  I cleaned out my closet of all of my skinny clothes, haha, and I only have things in there now that actually fit.  I remember when I was pregnant with August that I held onto my skinny clothes as long as I could, and I would get really frustrated when nothing in my closet was fitting me.  I haven't put my maternity clothes in the closet yet, but I'm sure I will soon. It wasn't sad for me to do.  My outlook on this pregnancy is that I will do everything I can to be healthy, and I will not overindulge.  I think if I can maintain some form of exercise and make better food choices, I shouldn't gain the 51 pounds that I did last time. 

I already have a bump.  It hurts so bad to try to suck it in, so I guess I won't be doing that much longer.  I am still wearing baggy things to cover it as best I can.

Yesterday I went on a nesting rampage.  I know it's probably a little early for that, but I know it was nesting because I have experienced that before.  Remember with August?  You can read about that HERE.  Yesterday I went in our room to make the bed and straighten things up like I do most mornings.  The day before, I had organized Adam's sock drawer (that sounds hilarious, I know.  But he had some socks in there that needed to be thrown away.  Trust me, they were useless.  He got new socks for Christmas.), so I was inspired to do some organizing.  I started taking things out of my closet that didn't fit, same with the dresser, then I reorganized the dresser, then I made a donation pile, then I cleaned out the bottom of the closet, then I organized my just got out of control and turned into a big project.  I worked quickly though, only taking breaks to tend to August.  I'm pretty proud of everything I accomplished!  By bed time I was exhausted.  My back was killing me. I'm pretty tired today.

Today I have been craving protein like crazy.  I have been trying to eat really healthy so I don't gain weight like I did last time.  I fixed myself a smoothie for lunch like I did yesterday (spinach, mango, and pineapple), but today that wasn't enough.  I really wanted some protein.  I fixed some whole wheat crackers with a little bit of melted cheese and tuna on top.  Oh my goodness.  It was amazing!  That was our only can of tuna, so I will definitely have to get some more!  No worries, I will make sure to eat the tuna in moderation since there can be traces of mercury in certain kinds of fish.  I think as far as fish go in pregnancy though, tuna is one of the safe options.

Well, I really need to get busy and take advantage of August's nap time.  I'm fixing Chili to take to my father in-law's tonight, and I still need to wrap his present.  Hopefully I will be able to tell y'all soon (in "real time") that I am pregnant! :)

Friday, January 11, 2013

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

This post was written Wednesday, December 26, 2012, but it wasn't posted to the blog until Friday, January 11, 2013.

Well, Adam's birthday and Christmas have come and gone.  August's first Christmas was a whirlwind, and he is still recovering.  He has done a lot of sleeping the past couple days.  It's all so much for him to take in!  We still haven't told everyone that I am pregnant.  We have told 3 people at this point...wait no, 4.  We still have not told any family.  My brother proposed to his long time girlfriend on Christmas day, and we did not want to take away from the excitement of that.  We knew the proposal was coming, so as fun as it would have been to tell everyone then, I didn't want to take the spotlight from Andrew.  Plus, I think if Andrew proposed and we revealed we were pregnant again all on the same day, my mom would probably stroke out.  Just sayin!  Love you, Mom!  You know I'm right!

Today I am feeling surprisingly optimistic about this pregnancy.  I am excited, even.  Each day I am more and more ok with it.  Tonight I have been thinking about how I need to purge a ton of clutter and unused things out of this house.  The spare bedroom will need to become (a 2nd) nursery.  August will keep the room he has, and we will make the junk spare room the new nursery.  I will need to relocate my craft stuff, come up with a better filing system that doesn't involve a filing cabinet, clean out the closet in the spare room, and relocate the elliptical.  That last one will be the challenge.  I really don't want the elliptical in the garage, because I would probably be less likely to use it.  But obviously it can't be in the kids' rooms (did I just say KID....S?!), and it can't be in the living room (ours is tiny and already filled with baby gear), and it can't go in the kitchen or bathrooms for obvious reasons.  So if we don't put it in our bedroom,  the only place it can go is the garage.  However, I don't think it will fit in our room.  Soo....hmmm...

Speaking of elliptical, I really want to be healthier this pregnancy.   Last pregnancy I was working, and I was way too tired to cook or exercise after work.  We ate a ton of fast food, and I ended up gaining 51 pounds.  I still have 10 of those 51 pounds leftover, which I'm not happy about starting with this pregnancy, but I'm thinking if I do a lot better about not gaining as much weight, I can still lose it after this pregnancy.  I woke up motivated to really eat healthy today since I gained 2 pounds over the last few days of Christmas parties.  I ended up eating leftovers because I didn't want them to go bad.  Oh geez.  I need to get serious.  I can still lose those 2 pounds while it's early if I get on it!

Here is what we're starting with. I'm totally sucking it in in this picture.  Just keepin it real.

I have no idea how many weeks pregnant I am.  Maybe 5 or 6?  I have no clue.  We are still waiting on insurance coverage, so until we get that, I have no reason to call my doctor because we can't afford blood work and an ultrasound out of pocket.  I have been so busy that I have been forgetting to take my prenatal vitamins, so I am going to be much better about that. 

My stomach is already changing shape.  I knew that it would show faster with my second pregnancy, but I think I am showing especially soon since my abs were no where near back in shape since my last pregnancy.  (For those of you who are just jumping in, I am 7 and 1/2 months postpartum.)  I still had some extra skin as well.  It hurts so bad to try and hold my stomach in.  I can do it for a very short period of time, and then it starts hurting and feels like I have done an ab workout.  I wore blowsy tops during Christmas and even a large shawl so I wouldn't show my little pot belly.  I just could not suck it in.  It feels like my uterus has already moved higher, which makes me feel like I could be further along than I think, but I dunno.  My belly is already rounding above my belly button.  That part was actually flat a few weeks ago.

I think that's about all I have to ramble about tonight.  I'm looking at cell phone plans online.  We're sick of Verizon's lame customer service and their inability to back up their phones, so we might be switching.  Goodnight!

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Friday, December 21, 2012


This post was written Friday, December 21, 2012 and was posted to the blog on Thursday, January 10, 2013.
Once again, this post will be delayed.  We still haven't told anyone we are expecting.  Oh wait, no I take that back.  We told our good friends Becky and Pascal Wednesday night.  Becky was at my house to pick up some dishes I have hoarded forgotten to return to her, and she asked me when we were thinking about getting pregnant again, and I couldn't lie.  I was about to bust; I wanted to tell someone so bad!  They were very excited for us, but I'm sure they were just as surprised as we were.

Well, it has been a few days since I got my positive pregnancy test.  It's about 6:45 in the morning, and I can't get back to sleep.  I'm usually not up until August makes me get up.  (Most of the time he is awake by now, but he got in bed late.)  I'm still in shock, but I feel like something is going to go wrong.  I am just feeling crampy, very tired, but very pregnant.  I am feeling a lot more going on down there than when I was pregnant with August.....which, by the way was less than 8 months ago...if I haven't already said that...haha.  As I told you in my last post, I have been testing with some internet cheapies (Wondfo brand off of Amazon).  I have read online that the accuracy is very good, however, I have always tested with the First Response brand.  With the First Response brand, I always know how pregnant I am, if that makes sense.  With these internet cheapies, I was kind of lost, since I don't know what they have looked like with my previous pregnancy. So (after lots of begging by me), Adam stopped by Walgreens and picked me up a small pack of First Response tests.  He didn't want to spend the money, but we are both glad he did, because now it feels more official. Here is a picture comparison of my tests on Wandfo brand vs. First Response.  I think First Response has the darker line.  I think this is a darker line than when I found out I was pregnant with August.  You can read that post HERE.

I will test again in a couple days probably to see if the line is getting any darker.  The box has an extra test in it.  I'm starting to wonder if these internet cheapies will get any darker.  So far they all kind of look the same.  (Yep, I am sure I have used way too many of them.)

Wednesday night we had our church Christmas party.  Seeing the little kids up there singing made me a little emotional, and I started to be thankful for this pregnancy.  That sounds bad, like I wasn't thankful to be pregnant.  I know I have the gift of life inside of me, which is a blessing from God, but honestly I wasn't thinking now would be a good time.  But God's ways are not our ways!  That, I have definitely learned. 

My good friend Kimberly brought me some of her maternity clothes Wednesday night at the church party.  She just had a baby about a month ago, and she was passing them on for future use.  Haha it was really ironic.  (Good for her for already getting out of them!  I would LOVE to have been able to do that.)  I wanted to tell her so badly that I would be using them sooner than she anticipated, but I held off since we weren't really telling anyone yet.

My tummy is already sticking out.  I wouldn't call it a pooch, because I practically still have a gut from August.  I know it's obviously not the baby, but I can tell I am very bloated.  With August, I bloated up instantly and looked pregnant (to me anyway), and then the bloat went away around 15 weeks, and my own belly was back for a short time.  You can see my belly progression from my pregnancy with August HERE.  I have heard though, that you show sooner with your second and later kids than you do with you first.  I guess the muscles are just stretched out so your uterus can push your belly out more easily.  I tried my best to suck it in last night.  We had our family over to celebrate Adam's 29th birthday.  His birthday isn't technically until tomorrow, Saturday the 22nd, but his dad is leaving today for Texas, and I didn't want him to miss it. 

Like I said in my previous post, I guess we will hold off on the doctor's visit until we have insurance.  With blood work, I just don't see how it will be affordable.  I will be sure to eat healthy and take my prenatal vitamins until then.  I don't plan to do the first trimester screening, so I'm not worried about missing it.  I did the first trimester screening with August just because I wanted an extra ultrasound.  The finger prick made it almost not worth it.  They couldn't get me to bleed, and you have to fill up these big circles on the paper with blood.  It was awful.  Apparently August is the same way, because when he had to have it done at the doctor's office a few weeks ago for a flu check, he wouldn't bleed either.  We have thick blood or something.  So, I'll probably pass on that.  We will see.

I have no idea how far along I am.  5 weeks maybe?  I really have no clue.  Obviously my body was not functioning normally since having August, so I can't tell from that either.  Who knows. 

At this point, I don't really have any predictions as to whether or not it's a boy or a girl.  With August, I knew the second I found out I was pregnant that I was having a boy.  I could just tell.  I wanted to look at boy things, and I thought girl things were just a waste of time.  I want to say girl for this time, but I'm not sure if that's just because I want to have a girl at some point.  I would be perfectly happy with 2 boys, but I do want a girl one day.  So I'm good with either one. 

Well, I have definitely rambled enough.  I just really like getting these thoughts down.  It clears my mind.  I think Adam and I may be going on a date tomorrow for his birthday.  Late lunch/early dinner and The Hobbit I believe is what we will be doing.  We are such old people.  We hate getting out around the mall at night.  Too much traffic and young people.  All theses young kids and their Mazdas.....(that was for my brother). Still not sure when we will tell everyone.  We may tell them at Christmas.  I hate that Adam's dad won't be here, but Adam said we could call him, and since he will be there with all of his Texas relatives, he can let them in on the fun too. :)  See y'all later!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

I don't know what to say.

This post was written on December 19, 2012, and was posted to the blog on Wednesday, January 9, 2013.

Today is Wednesday, December 19, 2012.  I don't know when or if I will ever post this. We will see. I just wanted to record these thoughts/ramblings.

I am stunned.  I did not see this coming.  I was not even in this mindset at all.  I was for a while, but decided it was a fluke.  It has been 12 hours since I got a faint positive pregnancy test, and I still don't believe it.

Pregnant????????????  WHAT?????????

I am 7 and 1/2 months postpartum with my first child.  I am still adjusting to being a mom, and I am still adjusting to my new body, which is about 10 pounds heavier than before I got pregnant with my first.  I did not expect to be pregnant this soon. Of course....I know how it happens, lol.  I got that.  But I hadn't had a cycle back yet.  So I had no clue where my body was.

Apparently it was in some fertile territory.

I'll start back 2-3 weeks ago. Don't worry, I won't start too far back.  Haha.  A few weeks ago I started feeling crampy.  I thought for sure that my body was trying to get back to normal.  Pregnancy definitely did cross my mind, but after a week or two of random pregnancy tests and money wasted, I decided it wasn't pregnancy.  Then I started having really vivid dreams, and I would dream the entire night.  I thought again that it was pregnancy, but I was still testing and still getting negatives.  The last time I had dreams like that was when I was pregnant.  The next thing to happen was cravings and being really emotional.  Adam and I watched a Hallmark movie, and I cried during the Hallmark commercials.  So not like me.  I usually think those are way cheesy.  I have also had awful cravings. As y'all know, I have been trying to lose these last several pounds.  Well, a couple weeks ago, I didn't care anymore.  I had the most horrible cravings for everything sweet.  I didn't care if it was bad for me, I needed it right then.  Again, due to the negative tests, I figured it was my cycle coming back.  I have also had random headaches and backaches here and there.  But nothing that lasted a long time. The last few days I have been exhausted.  Like I am ready for bed by 8 or 9.  I have also really been wanting to nap in the afternoons.  I actually did take a nap yesterday, and I felt much better when I woke up.  I was convinced I was pregnant off and on during the last few weeks, so I ordered some cheap internet pregnancy tests.  Did you know you can get 100 pregnancy tests for $25 with free shipping?  Obviously, I don't need 100 tests, but that was the amount they came in for me to get free shipping from Amazon.  Haha.  So I spent the money since one pack of pregnancy tests (2-3 tests) from Walgreens is like 15-20 dollars anyway.

Last night, right before I went to bed, I needed to go potty pretty bad.  For some random reason, because I honestly had completely ruled out pregnancy, I decided to take a test.  I have no idea why.  I really didn't feel like I needed to.  I just decided to.  I watched the control line form, and didn't see a second line.  I started to toss it in the trash like I do with all the tests that don't instantly turn positive.  (When I first found out I was pregnant with August, the test was instantly positive.  I don't like to sit and analyze whether or not there is a line there, so if it isn't instantly positive, I usually toss it.)  For some reason, I left the test on the counter and went to the kitchen to load the dishwasher.  I came back a few minutes see a second line. 

I was stunned.

I tried to think if I was supposed to tell Adam in some cute way like I did last time.  (You can read about that HERE.)  But I didn't know if I was happy about it or not.  I was shocked.  So I just casually carried the test into the living room and said, "Well, this explains why I've been so tired."

"Nu-uh," he said.

I showed him the test.  Of course, he began to question the validity of the test and wondered if it could be a mistake.  You ladies know, there is a one in a billion chance of getting a false positive.  A false negative happens all the time.  So I took another one.  Positive.

Adam didn't say much.  I think he was in disbelief. He wasn't mad or anything, he was just processing.  Haha.  I, of course, was lying awake all night, tossing and turning trying to figure out what to do.  I was thinking my doctor sure will be surprised to see me again.  Then I started wondering if all of the cramping in the beginning was for a reason.  Is the baby in the wrong place?  Stuck in a tube?  I have no idea.  Then I started counting the months.  Baby will be due at end of August/beginning of September I think.  Ahhh, nice and big and swollen for the summer months.  August was born at the end of spring, so I didn't have to worry with the hot temperatures.  I kept having to get up and go to the bathroom last night.  I dunno if that is starting already (it started before I even found out I was pregnant with August) or if I was just having to go because I knew I was pregnant.

Of course, I retested this morning.  Still positive.  Then I may have retested again at lunch.  Still positive.  I have been busy all morning ordering last minute Christmas gifts off of Amazon, so that has kept me somewhat distracted.  After all of these positives, it still hasn't sunk in.  

Then I started thinking about when we are supposed to tell everyone.  It would be neat to tell them at Christmas.  The only thing is that Adam's dad will be in Texas with Micki's (Adam's mom who passed away) family.  Plus, I dunno that I can even see the doctor before Christmas.  They are probably booked.  But wait, we don't have insurance right now.  We would never be able to afford the blood work and office visit anyway.  So are we supposed to wait until we have insurance?  We are on a waiting period for Adam's work right now.  We are supposed to get insurance some time in January.  I'm sure I could wait that long to go in and get it confirmed, but then again, when do we tell people?  I can't wait a month or more.  Last time we told our family before we went to the doctor.  For some reason, this time I feel like I want to hear it from the doctor first.  I guess I need confirmation because I just don't believe it.  Or I do believe it, and I think something is wrong.   I dunno.

I hope this doesn't sound like I don't want another baby.  I do.  I'm just in shock that it happened so soon.  We weren't trying.  I keep thinking about how hard it is with August.  Two kids under the age of 2?  I know God will give me everything I need to be able to be the mother of 2 under 2.  But it sounds terrifying.  It sounds really really scary and hard.  It sounds like I will never leave the house because it will take 10 years just to get out the door.  It sounds like I will have 2 babies to strap in and out of the carseat.  It sounds like I will have lots and lots and lots of money spent on diapers all at once.  It sounds really scary.  I'm terrified.  Plus August is mobile now, and I'm sure will be walking in a few months.  I hope I can keep up being so big....and round.  I know people get pregnant already having little ones all the time.  But not me.  I'm still a new mom!  I just had August.  Ok, I'm starting to think I won't post this.  This sounds so terrible.  I hope this new baby doesn't think I don't want it.  I'm just so scared.  Thanks for listening y'all.  Hopefully I will feel differently and will be excited once I actually post this.  Prayers please!

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Baby #2?!??!!

We are surprised and excited to announce..........

We are expecting Baby #2!!!!

Baby #2 has a tentative due date of August 31, 2013.  We are probably just as shocked as you are, haha.  Our first son, August, just turned 8 months old on January 3rd, so it hasn't been that long since I was pregnant with him!  As of today, January 8, 2013, I am 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant.  I realize it's a little early for some people to announce a pregnancy, but I think if something were to happen to this baby, I would want people to understand what I am going through.  But anyway, I don't want to think like that, so I am going to just trust God and be thankful for the life He has placed inside of me.  We figured our kids would be close together, since we like to leave the Lord's work up to the Lord, but we were surprised it happened this quickly! 

We had an ultrasound today, and we were able to see the yolk sac (the baby's nourishment until the second trimester), the umbilical cord, and the baby's heartbeat!  We even got to hear the heartbeat!!  It was music to my ears.  The heartbeat is at 114 bpm since it is so early.  The heart just started beating days ago!  How amazing!  The baby's heart rate will increase each day he/she gets older until it levels out between 130-170. 

I have known for 3 weeks now that I am expecting!  We found out a week before Christmas, so it was a wonderful early Christmas present.  We kept it a secret from my family for 2 weeks since my brother was proposing to his girlfriend, and we didn't want to take any spotlights away from that.  (She said yes, haha!  We are so glad!  Love you, Afton!)  We just started telling people last week. 

I tend to get a positive result really early with home pregnancy tests, so give or take a few days, I found out at 3 weeks and 3 days that I was pregnant.  With August, I found out at 3 weeks and 4 days.  I am surprised I always get such an early result since most people don't get a positive result til after 4 weeks.  I didn't know how far along I was this time when I got a positive, so I am just estimating how far along I was when I found out by the ultrasound's date.  With August, I had something to track so I knew how far along I was.

I have written a few blog posts about the pregnancy since we found out, but I obviously have not posted them yet.  They aren't the typical pregnancy updates I wrote last time, but more of a diary style since I wanted to get my thoughts out.  They are unfiltered, honest thoughts that were going through my mind when I wrote them.  I will probably post them.  We will see. 

Thanks for reading!  I hope you'll join us on our journey raising August and preparing for Baby #2!!

Images by Freepik