Well, I promised Layla's birth story "soon" and then went missing. Four antibiotics, three ear infections between two children, and one major holiday later, here I am. If I don't make a lot of sense in this post, that's because it's 6:30 a.m., and I went to bed at 1:00 a.m. But if I don't get up before my kids wake me up, I am one angry mama bear. So with my coffee steaming next to me, here I am.
Life with a three year old, two year old, and 6 week old (7 weeks tomorrow), doesn't allow for much blogging time, especially when they are sick. Jude is on his fourth antibiotic in 6 weeks, trying to kick a terrible double ear infection. The antibiotics have also given him a horrible (yeasty probably?) diaper rash. Little baby Layla also has an ear infection and is on her first antibiotic. So sad. August, so far, has a bad cold, but I think it is turning into a sinus infection. So life here is rough. If you have any ear infection tips, I'm all ears....haha 6:30 a.m. jokes. But seriously, let me know what you have done for your kids who have had ear infections. I've cut out Jude's dairy because a friend told me (and I have since read) that kids who have certain dairy intolerances are more susceptible to getting ear infections. I also got the kids some probiotic drops since I know antibiotics kill the good and bad bacteria in their bodies, so I'm trying to replace the good bacteria that's been wiped out.
So that's where we are right now. I've also been trying to take care of myself so that I don't get sick, and so that I can feel like a decent human being. You moms know what I'm talking about. Do you remember the days when taking care of yourself meant getting some Starbucks, going shopping, treating yourself, getting your nails done....No, that's not what I'm talking about here. My "taking care of myself" now looks like brushing my teeth....by noon. It looks like showering every 3 days or (gasp!) every other day. It looks like taking the time to make a smoothie for myself in the morning even though the boys are fighting and begging for seconds on cereal, the baby is fussing to be held, and I just want to stuff a Pop-Tart in my face and call it good. It looks like letting myself finish my morning coffee...ok that one is rare. I think I drive Adam nuts with all the wasted coffee. Anyway, my idea of treating myself has come a long way in the last few years. And that is ok. I'm not complaining, I just think it's so funny to look back and see how things have changed. It makes me smile an embarrassed smile when I think of how my life used to be. All about me. I had no idea.
Speaking of looking back...as I was nursing Layla about 30 minutes ago (thankfully she goes back to sleep if it's still before 7), I was reading a blog post that I found on Pinterest. I believe the title of the post had something to do with "How to Get Your Baby to Sleep 12 Hours a Night by 8 Weeks Old."
Oh gag.
I clicked on it out of curiosity, just to see what this particular method was.
And then I saw the preface of this girl's blog post. "This is my first child, and these methods may not work for every child...."
Did you catch that? It's her first.
Now, I'm not dissing first time moms. I promise. I'm cringing because I was just like this girl. Obsessed with getting 12 hours of sleep with a newborn, giving my newborn activities to do, schedules, uggggh all of it. Eye roll.
She talked about how after the baby's first morning feed they did "school." Gag. Me. Now. After Layla's first morning feed, she sits in the Rock N Play so she doesn't puke all over herself while I change the boys' diapers and clothes, make them pick up their room they trashed already, get their breakfast ready, trip over a car, put some clothes on myself, climb Mt. Laundrymonjaro, make my smoothie, take sips of coffee.....we don't have time for my 6 week old to do school.
She talked about all the things she does during the day for her newborn's schedule. This mom talked about how her newborn sleeps 12 hours, so the momma has her evenings free with her husband, and then she gets 7-8 hours of sleep straight because she needs it. Girlfriend, it was a celebration when Layla slept 3 hours straight. Best sleep I ever had. I will say that Layla now consistently sleeps 4-5 hours at a time (on the rare occassion 6 hours!), and I will not complain one bit. It's heavenly.
Anyway, as I was gagging and trying not to let my snickers disturb my little nursling, my heart stopped and my face turned hot. I remembered....
I've written almost this same exact blog post.
Yep, after I had August. Oh no. I'm that girl. I'm that mom.
I'll go ahead and link to it, since I know you'll want to look it up anyway. Ugh.
See, this is why I love and hate blogging.
I love having an outlet. I love writing. I love documenting our lives. I enjoy it. But....my growth as a mom and a human being is out there. All my "I have it all figured out moments and I'm going to tell you how to do everything" moments are documented in this blog. Moments that aren't me anymore. Moments that are embarrassing. That I want to act like I didn't say or do. They're archived here in this blog.
So it makes it hard to write about things, because I know one day I'll look back and roll my eyes. I'll be embarrassed that I said or did that. Like now.
But, I don't think that should stop me...or any other veteran or first time moms...from writing. So I'll ask 2 things from you.
1.) First, the practical. Check the date. Check the date of blog posts. For me or anyone else. We change and our thoughts change so much as time changes!
And then
2.) Show some grace. (Like I'm trying to do with myself.) Remember we are all in different seasons. Some of us think we have it figured out, some of us are trying to have it all figured out, and some of us are having palm to forehead moments like I did this morning. Show "2012 Amanda" some grace, show yourself some grace, and show all these "my baby sleeps 12 hours a night" mommas some grace. Because we all need it!
Anyway, this post may or may not have made a lot of sense. Let me know your thoughts on any of this- ear infections, "2012 you"....or whatever year....new moms, baby sleep, blogging, any of it. I'd love to hear your thoughts. A lot of days your comments are the only adult interaction I have. :)
On that note, I just finished my coffee, and I think I'll make a second cup, just because I can. (That right there, is taking care of myself!) Oh wait, I just heard the boys. And they're yelling, so the baby will be getting up too. Yep, there she is. Sigh.
Y'all have a great day, enjoy a second cup of coffee for me, and give another momma some grace and a pat on the back! :)
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Our Miracle Baby: Layla's Pregnancy
Our little Layla is one month old today! I don't know where to begin! I will be writing her birth story soon, because I can't imagine not documenting it like I did the boys' birth stories, but I feel like I need to start with her pregnancy, because it will help to explain her birth story. All birth stories are so different. If you remember, August was induced at 40 weeks and 2 days due to his size and my PUPPPs rash, and at the hospital we found out I had preeclampsia. Jude was induced at 40 weeks by my midwife breaking my water, and I went all natural from there. Layla, of course has her own story that has changed the way I look at birth, and I am eager to share that with you soon. Her birth has been the hardest for me to process. She is our little miracle, even from her earliest weeks.
My Pregnancy with Layla: Hemorrhage and Cholestasis
Just like with the boys, I knew I was pregnant before the test even told me. Vivid dreams are always my first sign. Then the waking to use the bathroom, followed by exhaustion, cramping, back pain, overly emotional, and my skin acting different. There was no doubt in my mind I was pregnant. For some reason though, it took me a good 2 weeks to get a positive on a pregnancy test. I have no idea why. But as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I prayed for a girl. It was probably already determined at that point, but God does what He wants, and He already knew I would pray that prayer! I promised God if He would bless me with a little girl, I would turn around and give her right back to Him. I would dedicate my time with her to raising a Godly woman.
I was able to get a doctor's appointment a couple weeks after the positive test. My first ultrasound did not show a baby in the womb. It showed the yolk sac, but no baby. That was very strange since I had a positive test 2 weeks prior, and symptoms starting long before that. The ultrasound dated the pregnancy as not even 5 weeks along! I was shocked. Of course I went home and googled like crazy. I would have to wait another week before they would give me another ultrasound.
Well, a week later, they found our little baby with a heartbeat! I was so relieved and excited! I had thought for sure I was going to miscarry. My due date would be Sunday, October 25th, 2015. However, when my midwife came in to discuss my ultrasound results, my smile quickly disappeared from my face when I met her eyes. She told me that I had a hemorrhage and that it was pretty large. I cried as she explained to me that I would be on bed rest until further notice. Bed rest? At the time, I had an 18 month old and an almost 3 year old. How could I be on bed rest?
Morning sickness set in around 7 weeks. I ended up throwing up everyday....all day...until I was 24 weeks pregnant.
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| The white dot in the upper black area is the yolk sac. The black area below that is the hemorrhage. |
The following weeks (weeks 6 through 13), I went in for weekly ultrasounds and stayed on bed rest. The hemorrhage was not shrinking, but the baby was tolerating it well. The baby's heartbeat was always good, and the baby was growing. My mom and my grandmother came over to help me with the boys and with housework. I hated laying on the couch, but I knew it was what was best for the baby. Thankfully, I never saw any blood. The bleed stayed inside my uterus. Not good either, but it helped me not to panic.
Finally, after 7 weeks of bed rest, the hemorrhage was gone! My body had absorbed the bleed, and baby was thriving! I was so thankful and so relieved.
We learned around 14 weeks that we were having a baby girl! It wouldn't be confirmed until 16 weeks, so we kept it a secret from everyone. It was of course confirmed 2 weeks later, and we had a gender reveal party. It was so much fun! My family and friends were just as thrilled as we were!
The following weeks would be the easiest of my pregnancy, even though I was still throwing up all the time. I was able to go for walks with the boys, and I was still able to get out and about.
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| 8 weeks |
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| Not sure...12 weeks? |
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| 20 weeks |
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| Not sure....somewhere around 20 weeks |
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| 28 weeks |
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| 30 weeks |
Somewhere around 25 weeks, I developed a painful corn on the bottom of my foot. That's gross, I know. I think it had something to do with my weight. I started this pregnancy the heaviest I've ever started a pregnancy. The corn stayed with me until I delivered. It was debilitating. Most days I couldn't even walk. If you want to know how I got rid of it, one week of soaking it in a cotton ball dipped in apple cider vinegar. Cotton ball changed out every few hours....you're welcome.
From about 30 weeks to 35 weeks, my butt was kicked. The aches and pains were intense. But I was starting to see the end in sight. I nested like crazy this pregnancy. I think knowing we were about to be completely outnumbered made me want to be as prepared as possible. So I wore myself out every day getting the house ready. I overhauled and organized all of the closets, finished the boys' room, decluttered our bedroom, cleaned like crazy, and eventually finished the nursery (just in time). I did all of this while hobbling around on the side of my left foot.
Around 35 weeks, I noticed I was itching. OH NO. Puppps. It's back. Do y'all remember that from August's pregnancy? I started to develop it with Jude's pregnancy, but I used a soap called Grandpa's Pine Tar soap, and the rash cleared up. I quickly ordered some off of Amazon, but to my dismay, it did not work. However, I noticed there was actually no rash. I was just itching. I laid awake at night, scratching my whole body, specifically my hands and feet, until they bled. I had just started using a new laundry detergent (Gain). My husband said I needed to quit using that and that I was probably allergic. He didn't like the smell of it anyway. (I LOVE THE SMELL OF GAIN! So clean!) I usually make my own laundry detergent, but I just love the scent of Gain. So I discontinued the Gain and went back to my homemade stuff.
But the itching got worse.
I knew something was off. As I laid awake one night scratching, I googled "pregnancy itching but no rash." My search gave me some grim answers.
Cholestasis.
My symptoms matched perfectly.
Cholestasis is where the liver quits functioning properly, or doesn't function anymore at all. It causes bile acids to overflow into the mother's blood stream which causes severe itching. Since blood crosses the placenta, the bile acids cause the placenta to quit functioning, which causes still birth in babies. Still birth is very common with cholestasis. The only cure for cholestasis is for the baby to be born. Most cholestasis babies are delivered between 35 and 37 weeks if not before. Mothers with cholestasis have a 60-90% chance of developing cholestasis in future pregnancies. Risks for the mother include hemorrhage because the mother is no longer able to properly absorb vitamin K, which helps with blood clotting.
(This is a great website if would like to read about Cholestasis: www.icpcare.org)
I called my midwife the very next morning and requested to come in. They took me in that afternoon. I saw the OB that was in the office that day. He said it was probably just PUPPPS, but they would do some bloodwork to make sure. I doubled checked that he would do the 2 blood tests I had read about, and he said yes. One of the blood tests would be a 24 hour waiting period for results, and the other would take a week to get results back! I was not looking forward to the itching and the waiting.
The 24 hour test came back normal. After a week of itching, crying, and getting very little if any sleep at night, the results for the second test came back. Sure enough, my levels were elevated. My midwife called me Friday evening, October 9, to tell me the news. I was 37 weeks and 5 days. She told me she consulted with the OB, and the OB consulted with a high risk doctor. They decided I would be induced in one week....at 39 weeks.
I asked my midwife why we were waiting so long. From what I had read online, if just one of the tests came back high, especially the second test, that means I have Cholestasis and we need to get the baby out ASAP. She said that since only one of my tests was high, they would wait until I was 39 weeks to get the baby out. This was the conclusion the OB and the high risk doctor had come to.
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| 37 weeks 6 days |
When we got off the phone, I did not feel at peace with waiting a week to induce. Of course under normal circumstances I would choose not to be induced at all, but from my research I realized that every day is a risk leaving the baby in the womb. I had a doctor's appointment scheduled with my midwife that Monday, and I prepared myself to make my case to be induced earlier. I brought my instincts and my husband with me!
That Monday, October 12, I cried as I told my midwife that something was wrong, and I felt we needed to get the baby out now. She completely understood, and she trusted that the Holy Spirit (yes, she said that!!!) was telling me that this baby needed to come out. However, since I was only 38 weeks 1 day pregnant, she could not induce me. I would have to discuss this with the OB. I asked her if we could redo the 24 hour test so I could meet with the OB the next day and discuss the results. She agreed. I had my blood drawn and headed home, not feeling hopeful for an earlier induction.
On my way back home, my midwife called me and asked me to come back so they could put me on the monitor. She told me she couldn't go home and relax until she knew she had checked on the baby. I wondered what this meant, so I turned around and headed back to the office. They put hooked the monitors up to my belly and left me to relax.
I was having contractions, as I had been for about 2 weeks. In the evening, I was having consistent contractions that were 5 minutes apart. The monitor was picking up the contractions and confirmed them to be about 5 minutes apart. I had a little button I pressed every time I felt her move. I thought things were going well since I could feel her little nudges.
After about 15 minutes, the nurse came in and said they had been watching the monitor from their office. She said the baby's heart rate and baby's activity were not fluctuating like they wanted. She brought me a Coke and asked me to drink it to see if we could get baby to be more active. This same situation had happened 2 weeks prior during an ultrasound. During the 20 minute ultrasound, the baby had not moved at all. She was breathing, but no movement whatsoever. So during that appointment, they had me drink a Coke and eat a muffin. I wondered why I was having to do this again to get her to be active like she was supposed to be.
After 45 more minutes of monitoring, the midwife decided the baby was moving as she should after having the Coke and muffin. My midwife was glad I was seeing the OB the next day, and we were all eager to get the results of the repeated 24 hour blood test. I went home, ate Zaxby's with my family, and stayed awake the rest of the night scratching and worrying.
The next morning felt like a normal morning. It was Tuesday, October 13, and I was 38 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I started a load of laundry and decided to just snuggle in bed with the boys. I let the boys play some games on the tablet and tried to catch up on a little sleep.
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| August pretending to sleep...with his tongue out. Haha. |
My appointment with the OB was at 2:50 that afternoon. Adam once again came with me, and we were put in a room and anxiously waited for the OB to come in. Finally there was a knock on the door, and he entered along with his nurse.
He was very friendly, and told the nurse to check the heartbeat.
He sat down next to Adam and asked Adam what he was doing tonight.
"What are the results of my blood test?" I asked impatiently.
"Wait just a minute, let me build some suspense here," he replied.
"Umm...I guess I'll do some homework, maybe cut the grass..."Adam answered.
"Well, how would you like to have a baby tonight?" asked the OB.
"Are you serious?! Really? Were my numbers high?" I butted in.
"Your numbers have tripled since your last blood draw, and you are within 3 points of the situation being very dangerous. If we had waited until Saturday, you probably would have had liver failure," he informed me.
"So I do have Cholestasis?" I asked, looking for verification.
"Yes, it is Cholestasis," he answered.
I sat there stunned. I couldn't believe I finally got my diagnosis. I couldn't believe how serious it was, too.
"When do we go to the hospital?" I asked.
"Well, I'll see you there in about 2 hours. How's that?" he replied.
"Sounds good!" I answered, relieved but extremely nervous.
To be continued (soon!) in Layla's birth story....
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Update! It's a GIRL!
Well, hey y'all! I have been thinking about my little blog here lately, and just thought I would give an update. I don't know if I'm coming back or not, but I just thought I would update and see what happens. :)
I guess I'll start with the biggest news....I am 34 weeks pregnant with a baby GIRL! We are extremely excited! She is due October 25. Her name is Layla Abney Hare. Abney was Adam's mom's maiden name. We just like the name Layla. :) So I have been busy working on her nursery, going to doctor's appointments and all of that. The pregnancy has beengood alright a little rough. We had a little scare in the beginning. I was put on bed rest for about 6 weeks. I had a subchorrionic hemorrhage, which is an active bleed located inside my uterus. I never saw any blood, but it was quite large on the ultrasound. However, as far as we can tell, baby was not affected by it, praise the Lord! It has been a tiring pregnancy taking care of 2 toddlers. I had morning sickness daily until I was 24 weeks. I had to be put on a medication just so I could function. Now things are getting harder, since I'm at the end. Insomnia, aches and pains, heartburn, the usual. I'm ready for her to be here!
The boys are doing great. They are the best of friends, although they can fight pretty good too. :) August is 3 years old (WHAT?!), and Jude just turned 2 years last month. They are together pretty much 24/7. They share a room, and that has been an adventure to say the least. August is in a twin bed, and Jude is still in a crib. I don't see Jude in a bed for a LONG time! He's much more babyish than August, although I'm sure that has something to do with me and how I treat him. :) August is constantly talking and learning, content to play with his construction toys for as long as you will let him. Jude is all over the place. Constantly running, obsessed with all sports, and always has a football in his hand. Just an example of their personalities, we went to a local football game. August told me that he wanted to play in the band, and Jude told me that he wanted to play football. That sums them up right there. They both bring so much joy to my life. I'm so thankful for them. They keep my days busy, but I couldn't have it any other way.
Busy doesn't begin to describe our life right now. The boys are in a 2 day/week preschool program for 1/2 a day to give me a little rest. I plan to use that window to catch up on sleep when baby girl comes. (If she will let me.) Who am I kidding, I need to catch up on sleep right now! Adam is also in school. He just started his second year at Moody Bible Institute online. He is still working full time (usually more than full time), so he is quite busy. We also help lead our youth group, which we LOVE! And that takes time as well, but it's time very much enjoyed. August has also started in the AWANA program at our church, so there is a lot going on around here. Something to do every day it seems.
Well, I'll keep it short and see if I can't add in a few pictures. I have always had trouble uploading pictures to Blogger. We got a new computer so I'll see if it's any easier. Is anyone still out there? Anyone still reading? :)
Well, I have to say, it's much easier uploading pics from a MacBook than a PC. Maybe I'll get back in to this blogging thing. We will see. :)
I guess I'll start with the biggest news....I am 34 weeks pregnant with a baby GIRL! We are extremely excited! She is due October 25. Her name is Layla Abney Hare. Abney was Adam's mom's maiden name. We just like the name Layla. :) So I have been busy working on her nursery, going to doctor's appointments and all of that. The pregnancy has been
The boys are doing great. They are the best of friends, although they can fight pretty good too. :) August is 3 years old (WHAT?!), and Jude just turned 2 years last month. They are together pretty much 24/7. They share a room, and that has been an adventure to say the least. August is in a twin bed, and Jude is still in a crib. I don't see Jude in a bed for a LONG time! He's much more babyish than August, although I'm sure that has something to do with me and how I treat him. :) August is constantly talking and learning, content to play with his construction toys for as long as you will let him. Jude is all over the place. Constantly running, obsessed with all sports, and always has a football in his hand. Just an example of their personalities, we went to a local football game. August told me that he wanted to play in the band, and Jude told me that he wanted to play football. That sums them up right there. They both bring so much joy to my life. I'm so thankful for them. They keep my days busy, but I couldn't have it any other way.
Busy doesn't begin to describe our life right now. The boys are in a 2 day/week preschool program for 1/2 a day to give me a little rest. I plan to use that window to catch up on sleep when baby girl comes. (If she will let me.) Who am I kidding, I need to catch up on sleep right now! Adam is also in school. He just started his second year at Moody Bible Institute online. He is still working full time (usually more than full time), so he is quite busy. We also help lead our youth group, which we LOVE! And that takes time as well, but it's time very much enjoyed. August has also started in the AWANA program at our church, so there is a lot going on around here. Something to do every day it seems.
Well, I'll keep it short and see if I can't add in a few pictures. I have always had trouble uploading pictures to Blogger. We got a new computer so I'll see if it's any easier. Is anyone still out there? Anyone still reading? :)
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| Back porch water table fun! |
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| Panama City Beach, August 2015 |
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| This quickly escalated to drawing on the walls. |
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| Thomas the Train exhibit at Creative Discovery Museum for Jude's birthday! |
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| On vacations, 28 weeks pregnant! |
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| On vacation at Gulf World, hanging out with the sting rays. |
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| Snuggling! |
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| Family photo on vacation....Adam is so dark! |
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| I wanted to remember what bedtime was like with 2. :) |
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| Hanging out at the football game |
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| Watching football with my boys. I just realized I'm wearing the same thing in all of these pictures. You wear what fits at the end of pregnancy! Amen? |
Well, I have to say, it's much easier uploading pics from a MacBook than a PC. Maybe I'll get back in to this blogging thing. We will see. :)
Thursday, June 5, 2014
"I Kissed Social Media Goodbye" and Update!
I bet you're surprised to see me on your blog feed! I of course have been wanting to blog for a while now, but literally just cannot find the time. We have been non stop busy lately. I think the only reason I sat down to blog today was because I set us up a desk in our living room! It's nothing fancy. It's actually just one of those plastic tables with metal legs with a table cloth over it. But it works great. :) We just have a laptop, so it's cool to actually have a place to have it set up.
Let's see....where to start. Well, the boys are doing great. August is 2 years old now. I'm pretty sure we are out of the months stage with him, but just for my records, he is 25 months old. He is at such a fun age! I seriously love this age. He is so much fun to talk to, and I love to listen to him and see how his little mind works. He just soaks everything up like a sponge! It's really fun to watch him learn. He is really into cars right now. Any transportation really. He got a bunch of Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars for his birthday, and he plays with them all day every day. He also loves to point out cars, trucks, and bullzo's (bulldozers) when we are out driving. Jude is doing great. He is 9 months old now. Nursing is still going well! He nurses about 5 times a day. All really quick though, like 5 minutes. But he has always been that way. Just this week he has ventured out into foods other than pureed baby food. I used to make homemade purees for him, but they weren't very smooth and he hated it. So I started buying him the store bought food, and he liked that much better. If it had any texture though, he would throw up! Like literally, throw up. So it had to be super smooth, either stage 1 or stage 2 baby food. Just in the last couple days I have gotten him to eat some yogurt, cheese, and shredded turkey. Since he is replacing so much breastmilk with food, I decided I should try offering him so higher calorie foods. He had just been getting baby food fruit with the rare veggie mixed in. Wow, that's a lot of info about his food. Haha. Isn't it funny how when they are younger, you feel the need to update on their food/milk situation? Lol. What if adults did that when you asked them how they were doing? Oh, I'm fine. I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner with the occasional snack. I also drink water and too much Coke. Lol. That would be pretty funny. I may start doing that. Jude is just now starting to crawl. He has really big thighs, so it has been really hard for him to go from sitting to the crawling position. He just hasn't been able to get up and over that thigh! Haha. He is also waving bye bye all the time. He says mama, dada, and bye bye, but they are all very rare. He doesn't talk nearly as much as August did at this age.
Adam and Icelebrated had our 4th wedding anniversary yesterday. We didn't actually get to do anything, because our night consisted of screaming kids during and after church so that was fun. :) Real life for ya! We will actually be celebrating our anniversary on Saturday. We are going to have a day date, which I am super excited about! Day dates are my favorite. I'm not a big go out at night person. I guess that qualifies me as old. Oh well. :)
I have actually had something on my mind that I wanted to blog about. You might remember when I wrote about it here, that I cancelled my facebook a couple years ago. I never really did an update about that, but I just wanted to say that it was and still has been one of the most freeing things that I have ever done! I would do it again in an instant. My mind just can't deal with that much info all the time. I don't need to know who is where, who is with who, who "likes" and "dislikes" this, whose kids did what, what so and so's husband did for his wife... I just don't need to know all of that! It was taking up so much room in my brain! It stresses me out just thinking about it.
Anyway, so I was on Instagram for a while, and I loved it. It was kind of like facebook without all the junk. Just pictures, which is all most people care about anyway. I loved instagram. I loved that I could have all of my pictures in one place, even those that weren't on my phone anymore. I loved that I could see what my friends and family were up to. But then it started producing these feelings in my heart. Discontentment, jealousy, feeling like I needed to prove that I was a good mom and a good wife, competition, etc. So I quit Instagram too. I still have the account, but I don't think I've updated it in like 4 or 5 months. I took it off of my phone so that I don't feel the need to check it. I also took Pinterest off of my phone. I still have an account, and I occasionally get on, like maybe once every couple weeks or so. But it's usually for a recipe that I already had pinned or something. I think Pinterest is helpful when used right. It saves you from having a bunch of bookmarked pages on your web browser, but I don't agree with the way I and most people were using it. Everyone pins a bazillion things that are not practical and that they will never actually have the time for. Then, you feel bad that you aren't doing all those things that you pinned. Then, you start to feel like a bad mom because you assume everyone else who is pinning all of these awesome things are actually doing them, when in reality they are just pinning them just like you are. Anyway, Pinterest was making me discontent with my home, discontent with the time (even though it was good, quality time) that I was spending with my children, and it was giving me lots of unrealistic expectations about beauty, cooking, my body, pretty much every area of my life.
That's it!!! That's all I'm responsible for! How freeing!
I can't tell you how much my life has changed just by cutting out all of this social media CRAP! Sorry, that was probably a little strong. It may not be crap for you. It may be helpful, and somehow, you don't have a problem with a chaotic mind, jealous feelings, and feeling insignificant because you are comparing yourself. Or maybe you do have a problem with it? I don't know. But I can tell you that after deleting my social media off of my phone (and in some cases, permanently), I still have a nice, somewhat orderly home. We still eat supper every night. I still spend time with my kids. I still love my husband in creative ways. That sounds bad, but I'll leave it. :) I still take a small amount of time to make myself look neat, but I don't feel the need to perfect a "cat eye" or contour my face so it looks like I got in a fight with a tire, or try 45 hairstyles for short hair. Life is simple again, and I didn't die! :) I'm not trying to talk you into deleting your accounts, and I don't think it's bad if you don't. But if you struggle like me, I promise you will live, and you will live a much more free, happy, and content life if you do delete your accounts. Ya know what? I just might "pin this" blog post so I can get the word out. FREEEEEEE YOURSELF! YOU DON'T HAVE TO CONFORM TO THIS WOOOOOOORLD! (That was me yelling and getting the word out.)
Ahhhhhh. See? I feel better after just saying it. :) Anyway, I will upload some pictures in another post. I need to clear off my phone first. Is anyone still out there? Anyone still reading? :) "Is anyone alive out there?" Titanic reference? Yes? Alright, I am going to go fold some laundry while the kids are still napping. Leave me a comment and let me know how you are doing, what you've been up to, what you think about social media. Have a wonderful day!
Let's see....where to start. Well, the boys are doing great. August is 2 years old now. I'm pretty sure we are out of the months stage with him, but just for my records, he is 25 months old. He is at such a fun age! I seriously love this age. He is so much fun to talk to, and I love to listen to him and see how his little mind works. He just soaks everything up like a sponge! It's really fun to watch him learn. He is really into cars right now. Any transportation really. He got a bunch of Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars for his birthday, and he plays with them all day every day. He also loves to point out cars, trucks, and bullzo's (bulldozers) when we are out driving. Jude is doing great. He is 9 months old now. Nursing is still going well! He nurses about 5 times a day. All really quick though, like 5 minutes. But he has always been that way. Just this week he has ventured out into foods other than pureed baby food. I used to make homemade purees for him, but they weren't very smooth and he hated it. So I started buying him the store bought food, and he liked that much better. If it had any texture though, he would throw up! Like literally, throw up. So it had to be super smooth, either stage 1 or stage 2 baby food. Just in the last couple days I have gotten him to eat some yogurt, cheese, and shredded turkey. Since he is replacing so much breastmilk with food, I decided I should try offering him so higher calorie foods. He had just been getting baby food fruit with the rare veggie mixed in. Wow, that's a lot of info about his food. Haha. Isn't it funny how when they are younger, you feel the need to update on their food/milk situation? Lol. What if adults did that when you asked them how they were doing? Oh, I'm fine. I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner with the occasional snack. I also drink water and too much Coke. Lol. That would be pretty funny. I may start doing that. Jude is just now starting to crawl. He has really big thighs, so it has been really hard for him to go from sitting to the crawling position. He just hasn't been able to get up and over that thigh! Haha. He is also waving bye bye all the time. He says mama, dada, and bye bye, but they are all very rare. He doesn't talk nearly as much as August did at this age.
Adam and I
I have actually had something on my mind that I wanted to blog about. You might remember when I wrote about it here, that I cancelled my facebook a couple years ago. I never really did an update about that, but I just wanted to say that it was and still has been one of the most freeing things that I have ever done! I would do it again in an instant. My mind just can't deal with that much info all the time. I don't need to know who is where, who is with who, who "likes" and "dislikes" this, whose kids did what, what so and so's husband did for his wife... I just don't need to know all of that! It was taking up so much room in my brain! It stresses me out just thinking about it.
Anyway, so I was on Instagram for a while, and I loved it. It was kind of like facebook without all the junk. Just pictures, which is all most people care about anyway. I loved instagram. I loved that I could have all of my pictures in one place, even those that weren't on my phone anymore. I loved that I could see what my friends and family were up to. But then it started producing these feelings in my heart. Discontentment, jealousy, feeling like I needed to prove that I was a good mom and a good wife, competition, etc. So I quit Instagram too. I still have the account, but I don't think I've updated it in like 4 or 5 months. I took it off of my phone so that I don't feel the need to check it. I also took Pinterest off of my phone. I still have an account, and I occasionally get on, like maybe once every couple weeks or so. But it's usually for a recipe that I already had pinned or something. I think Pinterest is helpful when used right. It saves you from having a bunch of bookmarked pages on your web browser, but I don't agree with the way I and most people were using it. Everyone pins a bazillion things that are not practical and that they will never actually have the time for. Then, you feel bad that you aren't doing all those things that you pinned. Then, you start to feel like a bad mom because you assume everyone else who is pinning all of these awesome things are actually doing them, when in reality they are just pinning them just like you are. Anyway, Pinterest was making me discontent with my home, discontent with the time (even though it was good, quality time) that I was spending with my children, and it was giving me lots of unrealistic expectations about beauty, cooking, my body, pretty much every area of my life.
After doing a lot of praying, heart searching, and Bible reading, I came to realize something. At the end of the day, the ONLY thing that matters is,
DID MY DAY BRING GLORY TO GOD?
That's it!!! That's all I'm responsible for! How freeing!
I can't tell you how much my life has changed just by cutting out all of this social media CRAP! Sorry, that was probably a little strong. It may not be crap for you. It may be helpful, and somehow, you don't have a problem with a chaotic mind, jealous feelings, and feeling insignificant because you are comparing yourself. Or maybe you do have a problem with it? I don't know. But I can tell you that after deleting my social media off of my phone (and in some cases, permanently), I still have a nice, somewhat orderly home. We still eat supper every night. I still spend time with my kids. I still love my husband in creative ways. That sounds bad, but I'll leave it. :) I still take a small amount of time to make myself look neat, but I don't feel the need to perfect a "cat eye" or contour my face so it looks like I got in a fight with a tire, or try 45 hairstyles for short hair. Life is simple again, and I didn't die! :) I'm not trying to talk you into deleting your accounts, and I don't think it's bad if you don't. But if you struggle like me, I promise you will live, and you will live a much more free, happy, and content life if you do delete your accounts. Ya know what? I just might "pin this" blog post so I can get the word out. FREEEEEEE YOURSELF! YOU DON'T HAVE TO CONFORM TO THIS WOOOOOOORLD! (That was me yelling and getting the word out.)
Ahhhhhh. See? I feel better after just saying it. :) Anyway, I will upload some pictures in another post. I need to clear off my phone first. Is anyone still out there? Anyone still reading? :) "Is anyone alive out there?" Titanic reference? Yes? Alright, I am going to go fold some laundry while the kids are still napping. Leave me a comment and let me know how you are doing, what you've been up to, what you think about social media. Have a wonderful day!
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
A BIGGER update than I intended.
Well, why not write a blog post? I literally never get on the computer anymore. I just don't have the time! I do get on my phone though, but I can't blog from it. I have several posts on here that I have started, from months ago, and just never finished.
I have thought several times about hopping on here at night and catching up on things. But I just have not really been interested in blogging the last several months. I still read a few blogs, but I haven't been interested in writing. I have felt really private and reflective since Jude was born. I think after having August, I was so into sharing my knowledge and experience, thinking I was helping others. I thought I had it all figured out, haha. After having Jude, I am realizing how silly I sounded just a year or two ago. It is hard having one new baby....but having two babies at once is very, very hard. It is also very humbling. I am listening, reading, talking with women in my life and getting their perspective on child-rearing. No longer handing out much of my own advice. I'm soaking up others' experiences like a sponge.
I have also been reflecting a lot lately. I feel like I am keeping a continuous, private blog in my head. Always recording memories, thoughts, struggles, successes. I have been wanting to start journaling, just for myself as something to work through and be able to look back on, but it seems like it takes too long to write down everything I'm thinking. It's also hard to be as honest on paper as I am in my head. I just have really been wanting to document this stage in my life. I know it is one of the hardest stages in my life, but it will also be one of the shortest. Jude is already 5 months old (tomorrow), and August is fixing to turn 21 months old. I have no idea where the time has gone.
I have mostly been trying to find balance lately. Trying to figure out how to balance Bible study, quality time with each child, house work, fixing meals, working out, getting out of the house, ministering to others in our church and in our community, trying to find an outlet for myself outside of the house, and of course time with Adam. I can't figure out the perfect balance. It's hard to feel like I have done everything I should do in a day. I'm trying to figure out what things need to be a priority. To me they all sound like priorities, but I find myself unsatisfied if I don't get to all of these things in a day. But of course, there is no way to fit all of that in, in one day. Especially when you are working around breakfast, nap, lunch, nap, dinner, and early bed time with kiddos. I think I need to just figure out what is needed and do-able in this season of life. There will be other seasons that may be better for other things. I have been changing up our schedule lately, trying to figure out the best order of things. Here is how we are doing things right now on days where we don't go anywhere. No set times really, just more of a routine.
-I wake up and nurse Jude around 7 or so. He nurses and goes back to sleep. (He sleeps in a bassinet in the playroom right now.
- I workout in the living room. I may or may not get interrupted by August.
- I get both boys up. August drinks his milk while I nurse Jude.
- I make breakfast and get laundry started.
- Breakfast. August eats oatmeal, and I have a smoothie. My smoothie is made with almond milk since Jude doesn't tolerate dairy.
- Jude plays while we eat breakfast.
- August plays with Jude and watches Sesame Street while I clean up breakfast and get my housework started. I hate Abby's Flying Fairy School. So dumb.
- I nurse Jude and lay him down for his morning nap.
- I put August in the playroom, and I do my Bible study in the kitchen.
- After I finish, I play with August in the playroom.
- I switch over the laundry at some point.
- Jude wakes up after napping, anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours.
- Adam comes home for lunch, and he plays with August while I nurse Jude. Some days I fix Adam's lunch, and some days he fixes his own depending on what I have going on.
- August has lunch. These days he will only eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (sometimes, now I think he is getting burnt out on them), grilled cheese sandwich, yogurt, fruit, graham crackers, or anything sweet. He is super picky.
- Jude plays while August eats.
- August takes a nap. Haha, yeah right. :) I lay August down, and I make him stay back there for 2 hours. Most days he does not sleep. I used to always lay him down by 1:00, but I have figured out in the last week that if I wait until 2:00 to lay him down, he might sleep. He was getting to where he never slept, which makes for very hard afternoons.
- I play with Jude until it's time for him to nap again. We have been working on rolling over lately. :)
- I nurse Jude and then lay him down for a nap.
- Now is my time to get my chores for the day done. But what usually happens is I sit down to finally have my lunch, or if I happen to have already eaten, I will have a snack. Then sometimes I fall asleep. I have been SO tired lately. I think I'm staying up too late. But I usually at least keep the laundry going. :)
- I get the boys up, nurse Jude, and August has a snack. He usually has milk and graham crackers.
- I start supper while the boys play. August is good at entertaining Jude. He likes to make him smile and picks his toys up when Jude drops them. I keep Jude in his swing or exersaucer when I can't sit with them and closely supervise.
- Adam comes home and plays with the boys while I get supper ready.
- We eat supper together. August rarely has what we are having. I need to work on that. Jude sits in his car seat on the table. He is a beautiful center piece. :)
- After supper, Adam and August play, and Jude and I watch. :) Jude will nurse now if it has been a while.
- Adam bathes the boys while I get their pajamas ready, catch up on laundry, and straighten up the house.
- We get the boys ready for bed and say prayers together as a family.
- We tuck August in and then I go in the playroom and nurse Jude until he's sleepy, which doesn't take long. This is my favorite part of the day with Jude. Everything is done, and I just get to cuddle him and stare at him. It's bliss.
- After the boys are in bed, Adam and I hang out or I catch up on laundry folding. Laundry folding and putting away is my biggest downfall. I never make enough time for it.
- After I get myself ready for bed, I go in and nurse Jude again, just so I can get as much sleep as possible. He doesn't really wake up. It's more of a "dream feed." I nurse him anytime between 10 and midnight, and he will sleep until 7 the next morning. It's wonderful.
- Then we do the day all over again!
When I type it out, it doesn't sound that busy. But I am moving non stop! I don't know where all the time goes. I think it's mostly getting food ready, cleaning up food, cleaning up August, feeding Jude, cleaning Jude up (he spits up a lot), spraying out poopy cloth diapers (cloth diapering two is a lot of work!), etc. Just always something to do.
Well, I'll give a short update on the boys. August will be 21 months old in a few days. I jotted down an 18 month update for him a few weeks ago, but never blogged about it. He is SO verbal. He talks about everything. Constantly. He is getting good at communicating with us. He speaks his own language of course, but I understand what he is saying most of the time. His favorite thing ever is "ball." He is obsessed with ball. Always wants to play ball. He also loves to go outside, which has been hard in these freezing temps. He is also testing us lately, and has started throwing tantrums, which is hard. I'm talking face down on the floor screaming tantrums. It's a hard stage for all of us.
Jude is quite the opposite right now. He is such an easy baby. I'm so spoiled. He is smiling all the time. The hardest thing with him is that he doesn't want to be left alone. He is very social and is always wanting attention. But he is so happy when he gets it, that I don't mind giving it to him. He very very rarely cries, and when he does cry it's usually because he is sleepy. I don't give him much opportunity to be hungry, haha. He is such a sweet boy. He also has some chubby thighs! I just wanna bite them! He is not rolling over yet, but I'm not too worried. He will do it in his own time. He has already sat up on his own a couple times. He has one bottom tooth in, and I just saw that the one next to it has poked through tonight! He is such a big boy. I weighed him tonight, and our scale said 16.8 pounds which is probably somewhere around 16 pounds 12 ounces or so. He is so big! I'm so so thankful breastfeeding is working this time. He is a champ nurser. He usually does 4-5 minutes on one side. Sometimes he will take the other side, but usually not.
Well, this turned into a much bigger update than I intended. Haha wow. I need to get to bed. I hope y'all are doing well! Maybe I will get back into this blogging thing. We will see. :) Here are some pics! Nevermind, stupid Blogger won't upload them, AS USUAL. I don't have time for that. Goodnight. :)
I have thought several times about hopping on here at night and catching up on things. But I just have not really been interested in blogging the last several months. I still read a few blogs, but I haven't been interested in writing. I have felt really private and reflective since Jude was born. I think after having August, I was so into sharing my knowledge and experience, thinking I was helping others. I thought I had it all figured out, haha. After having Jude, I am realizing how silly I sounded just a year or two ago. It is hard having one new baby....but having two babies at once is very, very hard. It is also very humbling. I am listening, reading, talking with women in my life and getting their perspective on child-rearing. No longer handing out much of my own advice. I'm soaking up others' experiences like a sponge.
I have also been reflecting a lot lately. I feel like I am keeping a continuous, private blog in my head. Always recording memories, thoughts, struggles, successes. I have been wanting to start journaling, just for myself as something to work through and be able to look back on, but it seems like it takes too long to write down everything I'm thinking. It's also hard to be as honest on paper as I am in my head. I just have really been wanting to document this stage in my life. I know it is one of the hardest stages in my life, but it will also be one of the shortest. Jude is already 5 months old (tomorrow), and August is fixing to turn 21 months old. I have no idea where the time has gone.
I have mostly been trying to find balance lately. Trying to figure out how to balance Bible study, quality time with each child, house work, fixing meals, working out, getting out of the house, ministering to others in our church and in our community, trying to find an outlet for myself outside of the house, and of course time with Adam. I can't figure out the perfect balance. It's hard to feel like I have done everything I should do in a day. I'm trying to figure out what things need to be a priority. To me they all sound like priorities, but I find myself unsatisfied if I don't get to all of these things in a day. But of course, there is no way to fit all of that in, in one day. Especially when you are working around breakfast, nap, lunch, nap, dinner, and early bed time with kiddos. I think I need to just figure out what is needed and do-able in this season of life. There will be other seasons that may be better for other things. I have been changing up our schedule lately, trying to figure out the best order of things. Here is how we are doing things right now on days where we don't go anywhere. No set times really, just more of a routine.
-I wake up and nurse Jude around 7 or so. He nurses and goes back to sleep. (He sleeps in a bassinet in the playroom right now.
- I workout in the living room. I may or may not get interrupted by August.
- I get both boys up. August drinks his milk while I nurse Jude.
- I make breakfast and get laundry started.
- Breakfast. August eats oatmeal, and I have a smoothie. My smoothie is made with almond milk since Jude doesn't tolerate dairy.
- Jude plays while we eat breakfast.
- August plays with Jude and watches Sesame Street while I clean up breakfast and get my housework started. I hate Abby's Flying Fairy School. So dumb.
- I nurse Jude and lay him down for his morning nap.
- I put August in the playroom, and I do my Bible study in the kitchen.
- After I finish, I play with August in the playroom.
- I switch over the laundry at some point.
- Jude wakes up after napping, anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours.
- Adam comes home for lunch, and he plays with August while I nurse Jude. Some days I fix Adam's lunch, and some days he fixes his own depending on what I have going on.
- August has lunch. These days he will only eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (sometimes, now I think he is getting burnt out on them), grilled cheese sandwich, yogurt, fruit, graham crackers, or anything sweet. He is super picky.
- Jude plays while August eats.
- August takes a nap. Haha, yeah right. :) I lay August down, and I make him stay back there for 2 hours. Most days he does not sleep. I used to always lay him down by 1:00, but I have figured out in the last week that if I wait until 2:00 to lay him down, he might sleep. He was getting to where he never slept, which makes for very hard afternoons.
- I play with Jude until it's time for him to nap again. We have been working on rolling over lately. :)
- I nurse Jude and then lay him down for a nap.
- Now is my time to get my chores for the day done. But what usually happens is I sit down to finally have my lunch, or if I happen to have already eaten, I will have a snack. Then sometimes I fall asleep. I have been SO tired lately. I think I'm staying up too late. But I usually at least keep the laundry going. :)
- I get the boys up, nurse Jude, and August has a snack. He usually has milk and graham crackers.
- I start supper while the boys play. August is good at entertaining Jude. He likes to make him smile and picks his toys up when Jude drops them. I keep Jude in his swing or exersaucer when I can't sit with them and closely supervise.
- Adam comes home and plays with the boys while I get supper ready.
- We eat supper together. August rarely has what we are having. I need to work on that. Jude sits in his car seat on the table. He is a beautiful center piece. :)
- After supper, Adam and August play, and Jude and I watch. :) Jude will nurse now if it has been a while.
- Adam bathes the boys while I get their pajamas ready, catch up on laundry, and straighten up the house.
- We get the boys ready for bed and say prayers together as a family.
- We tuck August in and then I go in the playroom and nurse Jude until he's sleepy, which doesn't take long. This is my favorite part of the day with Jude. Everything is done, and I just get to cuddle him and stare at him. It's bliss.
- After the boys are in bed, Adam and I hang out or I catch up on laundry folding. Laundry folding and putting away is my biggest downfall. I never make enough time for it.
- After I get myself ready for bed, I go in and nurse Jude again, just so I can get as much sleep as possible. He doesn't really wake up. It's more of a "dream feed." I nurse him anytime between 10 and midnight, and he will sleep until 7 the next morning. It's wonderful.
- Then we do the day all over again!
When I type it out, it doesn't sound that busy. But I am moving non stop! I don't know where all the time goes. I think it's mostly getting food ready, cleaning up food, cleaning up August, feeding Jude, cleaning Jude up (he spits up a lot), spraying out poopy cloth diapers (cloth diapering two is a lot of work!), etc. Just always something to do.
Well, I'll give a short update on the boys. August will be 21 months old in a few days. I jotted down an 18 month update for him a few weeks ago, but never blogged about it. He is SO verbal. He talks about everything. Constantly. He is getting good at communicating with us. He speaks his own language of course, but I understand what he is saying most of the time. His favorite thing ever is "ball." He is obsessed with ball. Always wants to play ball. He also loves to go outside, which has been hard in these freezing temps. He is also testing us lately, and has started throwing tantrums, which is hard. I'm talking face down on the floor screaming tantrums. It's a hard stage for all of us.
Jude is quite the opposite right now. He is such an easy baby. I'm so spoiled. He is smiling all the time. The hardest thing with him is that he doesn't want to be left alone. He is very social and is always wanting attention. But he is so happy when he gets it, that I don't mind giving it to him. He very very rarely cries, and when he does cry it's usually because he is sleepy. I don't give him much opportunity to be hungry, haha. He is such a sweet boy. He also has some chubby thighs! I just wanna bite them! He is not rolling over yet, but I'm not too worried. He will do it in his own time. He has already sat up on his own a couple times. He has one bottom tooth in, and I just saw that the one next to it has poked through tonight! He is such a big boy. I weighed him tonight, and our scale said 16.8 pounds which is probably somewhere around 16 pounds 12 ounces or so. He is so big! I'm so so thankful breastfeeding is working this time. He is a champ nurser. He usually does 4-5 minutes on one side. Sometimes he will take the other side, but usually not.
Well, this turned into a much bigger update than I intended. Haha wow. I need to get to bed. I hope y'all are doing well! Maybe I will get back into this blogging thing. We will see. :) Here are some pics! Nevermind, stupid Blogger won't upload them, AS USUAL. I don't have time for that. Goodnight. :)
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Jude's Birth Story: Part 5
I was starting to get very discouraged. Why can't I be ready to push? I wanted it to be over so bad.
"Have you tried any counter pressure?" my midwife asked.
"No," I answered. Would that take the pain away?? I was willing to try anything.
She showed Adam how to use his fists to apply counter pressure to my lower back. It was instantly relieving.
"Now I am going to do circles on your belly," my midwife said. "Your uterus is very sensitive during labor, and it picks up on any little activity. So when I rub circles on your belly, your muscles are going to pay attention to that, and pay less attention to the pain. Does that make sense?" she explained.
I couldn't tell if she was making this up, trying to make me believe it was working, or if it was actually working. Either way, I went with believing her, and it did help. I tried my best to focus on the circles, and less on the contraction.
Adam and my midwife worked as a team over the next few minutes. Eventually, the counter pressure stopped working.
"This means that the baby has moved very far down, Amanda. He is not situated toward the back anymore. He is in the front now. We are very close." I hoped she was right.
I paced around the room. I was starting to get very hot. I really wanted to strip off my hospital gown, but I tried to resist. I'm not into being naked in a room full of strangers. I asked for a cold rag, and my nurse brought it to me.
I walked over to the tray table that was by the big window in my room. I leaned on it and focused out the window with the rag to my forehead. It looked so pretty outside. My view was mostly of the parking lot, but the sky was so pretty. I thought about how this was just a normal day to other people. It's so strange to be in one of the biggest moments of your life, and to look out and see people driving by, like it's just any other day. I wish I had a picture of this moment. It felt like such a private and desperate moment for me. I thought about the curse that God put on women in childbirth because of Eve's sin. I wondered what it would have felt like if there had been no sin.
I gripped the sides of the tray table, trying to control the contractions. I remember thinking that it didn't satisfy, and that I needed to grip something else. I felt out of control with the pain.
"I can't do this anymore," I whimpered to Adam. I really didn't feel like crying, but I felt like I needed to, to let him know how serious I was. I never asked for an epidural, but I thought about it, just to let him know how much I was hurting. Everyone had been telling me how great I was doing with the pain and how calm and collected I was. I felt like they didn't understand how much I was hurting, because I wasn't showing it. But at the same time, I didn't feel like I needed to show it. It wouldn't change anything. I would have to deal with it either way, so I just kept quiet.
In my head, I started getting upset. I wanted to start pushing, but I did not have the urge. I searched my body and found nothing. No need for bearing down. No desire to push. I spread my legs apart and started lightly bouncing and gently bearing down. I felt like he was low, but I still didn't need to push. I wondered if I would ever have the urge, or if I should just start pushing. I continued to hesitantly bear down.
"I want to start pushing. I want her to tell me it's time to push," I whimpered again.
Adam said something to my midwife to get her to come over. I don't remember details from here. She tried to check me while I was standing, but she couldn't see much.
"What side does she like to lay on?" my midwife asked Adam.
"Her right side, " he replied. I remember being surprised that Adam knew the answer to that question. I smiled inside. I thought it was so sweet that he knew the answer. I didn't think he paid attention to things like that. When the boy sleeps, he sleeps!
"Come lay down, Amanda. Lay on your right side. I'm going to check you," she said as she guided me to the bed.
As soon as I started to lay down, I jumped up.
"I can't do it. I can't lay down. It hurts. I can't lay down!" I yelled as I tried to pull up on the bed rails.
"I have to check you. You need to lay down," my midwife said as she gently pushed me back into the bed. I was surprised that she was making me lay down. I wondered why she wouldn't let me up.
I don't remember what I said at this point, but she managed to check me and said that I was about 9.5 to 10 centimeters dilated.
"Let's just see what happens when you push. Give me a very little push, Amanda."
I gave the slightest push that I could.
There are no words to explain what happened at this point.
My body began baring down on its own. I had no control whatsoever. I had no control over how hard I was bearing down, how long I was bearing down, or anything. I heard myself scream. It was a terrifying scream, to me. I did not recognize my own voice. It was a mixture of a scream and a groan. My throat hurt.
"Ok, let's go ahead and get ready," my midwife tried to say as calmly as she could. Everyone in the room started running around. "I need someone to grab her legs. I can't see well enough. She needs to be on her back."
I have no idea who was holding my legs, and who was where. My eyes were closed. My body continued to randomly bear down.
I bit my wash cloth and kept my head turned to the side. I continued to scream each time I bore down. I had no control at all.
"Would it be possible for me to catch the baby?" I heard Adam ask.
"Yes! Let's get you suited up! Can we get him some scrubs? Hurry! He's coming!" my midwife called to my nurse.
"Oh, wow! Already?" Adam asked surprised.
"Oh yes, he's coming!" My midwife exclaimed.
I was so surprised. I didn't think he would want to catch the baby, and things were happening so fast that I was surprised he even stopped them to ask.
I remember hearing the "ding" on the warmer. At some point, the baby nurse had come in, and the warmer was ready. There were so many things going on, but I felt so out of it. So out of my mind.
I felt myself bear down. Hard.
"There's the head! Look at the hair!" someone announced.
I felt someone start playing with the baby's hair. How strange, I thought.
"Ok, Amanda, I need you to give me a really good push," my midwife coached.
As soon as I began my first real push (on purpose), my body took over again. I felt my body curl into a "C" as I bore down. The pressure was so unreal. My body must be exploding. I was positive that I was tearing. How could I not be?
"The head is out! Great push, now we are going to wait for him to rotate," I heard my midwife say.
Adam later told me that this part scared him. Jude's head was out, but he was completely lifeless and blue. No breathing, no facial movements, seemingly no life in him.
"Would you like to reach down and touch his head?" I heard a nurse ask.
"No," I answered very bluntly, eyes still closed. I was ready to get him out. I did not want to sit in this moment.
"Ok, he has rotated Amanda," I heard my midwife say.
I knew nothing of babies rotating. I guess I had never really read or researched about this point in childbirth. I sat there, waiting for a contraction. I didn't feel the urge to push. I laid there peacefully.
"One more push, Amanda! You've got to get those shoulders out!" a nurse at my left shoulder yelled.
I remember feeling very irritated at her. Didn't she know I needed to wait until I had a contraction to push? I was mad that she was rushing me.
I went ahead and pushed, and I felt my body step in and take over. The pressure intensified, and just when I thought he wasn't coming out, the shoulders delivered, and I felt his whole body slide out. I remember thinking about how I thought I felt August deliver with the epidural, but this was nothing like that.
"Look at your baby!" I heard someone say.
I looked down as he was being placed on my chest. (Adam did catch him, but I missed that part. Adam said he was much more slippery than he was anticipating.) Jude was a mixture of blue and purple. He had a towel around him, and several nurses was rubbing him vigorously as he laid on my chest. There was no "white stuff" on him, and he didn't have a lot of blood on him either. I was surprised. I realized they were trying to get him to pink up, so I began rubbing his back and talking to him. Adam later told me that as the head came out, they saw that the cord was wrapped once around his head, and that my midwife had to slip it off of him.
"It's mommy. It's mommy, honey. I love you. It's ok," I whispered to him.
He began to open his eyes and look at me. His color started to improve.
"He knows his momma!" One of the nurses said.
I am not sure how long I held him. I remember feeling his cord rubbing up against my arm. It was a very uncomfortable feeling. The cord was so thick and big. My midwife said it was very healthy. I didn't like the way it felt on my arm, all rubbery. But what I really didn't like was the way I felt it tugging inside of me. I could feel it tugging on the placenta. I remembered it still had to come out, and I wondered if it would hurt.
"Ok, Amanda. It's been a couple minutes, so we are going to go ahead and cut the cord. Adam, would you like to cut it?" my midwife asked.
Adam said yes, and they handed him the scissors. I could tell the cord was very tough.
After a couple minutes, my midwife suggested that I give Jude to the baby nurse to have his vitals checked and his weights and measurements done. I'm not sure if there was any kind of emergency, but I remember my midwife looking very attentively to things going on down below.
A nurse came over to my bedside and hooked something up to my IV. I'm still not sure if it was fluids or Pitocin, but I am betting Pitocin since my placenta still hadn't come out yet. As soon as the IV was hooked up into the port, my midwife began pressing on my belly. After a minute or so, I felt the placenta slide out.
"Was that the placenta? Can I see it?" I asked. Placentas always fascinate me.
My midwife held it up. It was huge and bright red! She showed me the hole where she had broken my water. I couldn't believe how big the hole was! It was about the size of a baseball. She said the placenta was very healthy.
My midwife told me she was going to start looking for tears.
"I have found a tear that is about this big." According to her finger span, it was a pretty decent size. "I would say it's a 2nd degree tear. I am going to clean you up and look for more tears, ok?"
I was very disappointed that I had torn again. My legs were shaking so badly that they were convulsing. It worried me, but I hoped it was just adrenaline. My teeth were also chattering pretty badly.
As my midwife cleaned me, she began to find more tears. She gave me a numbing shot next to each of the tears before she began stitching. The shot was very painful. After the shot, I could feel the tugging of the sewing. I tried not to cry. The last 2 stitches she found at the last minute, and had to sew them up without a shot. That was the hardest part.
During this time, the baby nurse tried to keep me distracted. She announced Jude's weight: 8 pounds 8 ounces! 20 inches long! I couldn't believe he was so big. He was the same length as August, but heavier. And it showed! He was so chunky.
When my midwife had finally finished the stitches, I somehow managed to lift up so they could change the sheets underneath me. They covered me with a blanket and handed Jude back to me. I began to calm down, and my body started to relax. I nursed him for the first time, just 20 minutes or so after birth. He latched right away. Not a great latch, but we would work on that. I was just glad we were able to. I can't even remember if he took both sides or not. But I remember that we looked into each other's eyes as he nursed, and it was a beautiful moment. I felt so at peace.
We stayed at the hospital two nights after that and left without any complications for either Jude or for me. It was a wonderful experience. My recovery was so much easier this time around. I was up walking around very soon after his birth. I told Adam right after I had him that I would never have a natural birth again. However, not even a week later, my tune had changed. I now can't wait to do it again. It's so funny how that works. Adam laughs every time I say I would do it again. But you really can't beat the simplicity and the experience of a natural child birth. The pain and the work are so worth it. I am so thankful that I was able to have this experience. It is forever engraved into my heart. Every time I look at Jude and he looks back at me, I feel like we have this bond between us that no one else can understand. I can't think about his birth without getting teary-eyed. It's such a part of me. I am so grateful to God for His hand in Jude's birth and to my husband and midwife for their amazing support. It was such a beautiful experience. We love Jude so much, and I am looking forward to our life together as a family of 4.....well, 4 for now. ;)
"Have you tried any counter pressure?" my midwife asked.
"No," I answered. Would that take the pain away?? I was willing to try anything.
She showed Adam how to use his fists to apply counter pressure to my lower back. It was instantly relieving.
"Now I am going to do circles on your belly," my midwife said. "Your uterus is very sensitive during labor, and it picks up on any little activity. So when I rub circles on your belly, your muscles are going to pay attention to that, and pay less attention to the pain. Does that make sense?" she explained.
I couldn't tell if she was making this up, trying to make me believe it was working, or if it was actually working. Either way, I went with believing her, and it did help. I tried my best to focus on the circles, and less on the contraction.
Adam and my midwife worked as a team over the next few minutes. Eventually, the counter pressure stopped working.
"This means that the baby has moved very far down, Amanda. He is not situated toward the back anymore. He is in the front now. We are very close." I hoped she was right.
I paced around the room. I was starting to get very hot. I really wanted to strip off my hospital gown, but I tried to resist. I'm not into being naked in a room full of strangers. I asked for a cold rag, and my nurse brought it to me.
I walked over to the tray table that was by the big window in my room. I leaned on it and focused out the window with the rag to my forehead. It looked so pretty outside. My view was mostly of the parking lot, but the sky was so pretty. I thought about how this was just a normal day to other people. It's so strange to be in one of the biggest moments of your life, and to look out and see people driving by, like it's just any other day. I wish I had a picture of this moment. It felt like such a private and desperate moment for me. I thought about the curse that God put on women in childbirth because of Eve's sin. I wondered what it would have felt like if there had been no sin.
I gripped the sides of the tray table, trying to control the contractions. I remember thinking that it didn't satisfy, and that I needed to grip something else. I felt out of control with the pain.
"I can't do this anymore," I whimpered to Adam. I really didn't feel like crying, but I felt like I needed to, to let him know how serious I was. I never asked for an epidural, but I thought about it, just to let him know how much I was hurting. Everyone had been telling me how great I was doing with the pain and how calm and collected I was. I felt like they didn't understand how much I was hurting, because I wasn't showing it. But at the same time, I didn't feel like I needed to show it. It wouldn't change anything. I would have to deal with it either way, so I just kept quiet.
In my head, I started getting upset. I wanted to start pushing, but I did not have the urge. I searched my body and found nothing. No need for bearing down. No desire to push. I spread my legs apart and started lightly bouncing and gently bearing down. I felt like he was low, but I still didn't need to push. I wondered if I would ever have the urge, or if I should just start pushing. I continued to hesitantly bear down.
"I want to start pushing. I want her to tell me it's time to push," I whimpered again.
Adam said something to my midwife to get her to come over. I don't remember details from here. She tried to check me while I was standing, but she couldn't see much.
"What side does she like to lay on?" my midwife asked Adam.
"Her right side, " he replied. I remember being surprised that Adam knew the answer to that question. I smiled inside. I thought it was so sweet that he knew the answer. I didn't think he paid attention to things like that. When the boy sleeps, he sleeps!
"Come lay down, Amanda. Lay on your right side. I'm going to check you," she said as she guided me to the bed.
As soon as I started to lay down, I jumped up.
"I can't do it. I can't lay down. It hurts. I can't lay down!" I yelled as I tried to pull up on the bed rails.
"I have to check you. You need to lay down," my midwife said as she gently pushed me back into the bed. I was surprised that she was making me lay down. I wondered why she wouldn't let me up.
I don't remember what I said at this point, but she managed to check me and said that I was about 9.5 to 10 centimeters dilated.
"Let's just see what happens when you push. Give me a very little push, Amanda."
I gave the slightest push that I could.
There are no words to explain what happened at this point.
My body began baring down on its own. I had no control whatsoever. I had no control over how hard I was bearing down, how long I was bearing down, or anything. I heard myself scream. It was a terrifying scream, to me. I did not recognize my own voice. It was a mixture of a scream and a groan. My throat hurt.
"Ok, let's go ahead and get ready," my midwife tried to say as calmly as she could. Everyone in the room started running around. "I need someone to grab her legs. I can't see well enough. She needs to be on her back."
I have no idea who was holding my legs, and who was where. My eyes were closed. My body continued to randomly bear down.
I bit my wash cloth and kept my head turned to the side. I continued to scream each time I bore down. I had no control at all.
"Would it be possible for me to catch the baby?" I heard Adam ask.
"Yes! Let's get you suited up! Can we get him some scrubs? Hurry! He's coming!" my midwife called to my nurse.
"Oh, wow! Already?" Adam asked surprised.
"Oh yes, he's coming!" My midwife exclaimed.
I was so surprised. I didn't think he would want to catch the baby, and things were happening so fast that I was surprised he even stopped them to ask.
I remember hearing the "ding" on the warmer. At some point, the baby nurse had come in, and the warmer was ready. There were so many things going on, but I felt so out of it. So out of my mind.
I felt myself bear down. Hard.
"There's the head! Look at the hair!" someone announced.
I felt someone start playing with the baby's hair. How strange, I thought.
"Ok, Amanda, I need you to give me a really good push," my midwife coached.
As soon as I began my first real push (on purpose), my body took over again. I felt my body curl into a "C" as I bore down. The pressure was so unreal. My body must be exploding. I was positive that I was tearing. How could I not be?
"The head is out! Great push, now we are going to wait for him to rotate," I heard my midwife say.
Adam later told me that this part scared him. Jude's head was out, but he was completely lifeless and blue. No breathing, no facial movements, seemingly no life in him.
"Would you like to reach down and touch his head?" I heard a nurse ask.
"No," I answered very bluntly, eyes still closed. I was ready to get him out. I did not want to sit in this moment.
"Ok, he has rotated Amanda," I heard my midwife say.
I knew nothing of babies rotating. I guess I had never really read or researched about this point in childbirth. I sat there, waiting for a contraction. I didn't feel the urge to push. I laid there peacefully.
"One more push, Amanda! You've got to get those shoulders out!" a nurse at my left shoulder yelled.
I remember feeling very irritated at her. Didn't she know I needed to wait until I had a contraction to push? I was mad that she was rushing me.
I went ahead and pushed, and I felt my body step in and take over. The pressure intensified, and just when I thought he wasn't coming out, the shoulders delivered, and I felt his whole body slide out. I remember thinking about how I thought I felt August deliver with the epidural, but this was nothing like that.
"Look at your baby!" I heard someone say.
I looked down as he was being placed on my chest. (Adam did catch him, but I missed that part. Adam said he was much more slippery than he was anticipating.) Jude was a mixture of blue and purple. He had a towel around him, and several nurses was rubbing him vigorously as he laid on my chest. There was no "white stuff" on him, and he didn't have a lot of blood on him either. I was surprised. I realized they were trying to get him to pink up, so I began rubbing his back and talking to him. Adam later told me that as the head came out, they saw that the cord was wrapped once around his head, and that my midwife had to slip it off of him.
"It's mommy. It's mommy, honey. I love you. It's ok," I whispered to him.
He began to open his eyes and look at me. His color started to improve.
"He knows his momma!" One of the nurses said.
I am not sure how long I held him. I remember feeling his cord rubbing up against my arm. It was a very uncomfortable feeling. The cord was so thick and big. My midwife said it was very healthy. I didn't like the way it felt on my arm, all rubbery. But what I really didn't like was the way I felt it tugging inside of me. I could feel it tugging on the placenta. I remembered it still had to come out, and I wondered if it would hurt.
"Ok, Amanda. It's been a couple minutes, so we are going to go ahead and cut the cord. Adam, would you like to cut it?" my midwife asked.
Adam said yes, and they handed him the scissors. I could tell the cord was very tough.
After a couple minutes, my midwife suggested that I give Jude to the baby nurse to have his vitals checked and his weights and measurements done. I'm not sure if there was any kind of emergency, but I remember my midwife looking very attentively to things going on down below.
A nurse came over to my bedside and hooked something up to my IV. I'm still not sure if it was fluids or Pitocin, but I am betting Pitocin since my placenta still hadn't come out yet. As soon as the IV was hooked up into the port, my midwife began pressing on my belly. After a minute or so, I felt the placenta slide out.
"Was that the placenta? Can I see it?" I asked. Placentas always fascinate me.
My midwife held it up. It was huge and bright red! She showed me the hole where she had broken my water. I couldn't believe how big the hole was! It was about the size of a baseball. She said the placenta was very healthy.
My midwife told me she was going to start looking for tears.
"I have found a tear that is about this big." According to her finger span, it was a pretty decent size. "I would say it's a 2nd degree tear. I am going to clean you up and look for more tears, ok?"
I was very disappointed that I had torn again. My legs were shaking so badly that they were convulsing. It worried me, but I hoped it was just adrenaline. My teeth were also chattering pretty badly.
As my midwife cleaned me, she began to find more tears. She gave me a numbing shot next to each of the tears before she began stitching. The shot was very painful. After the shot, I could feel the tugging of the sewing. I tried not to cry. The last 2 stitches she found at the last minute, and had to sew them up without a shot. That was the hardest part.
During this time, the baby nurse tried to keep me distracted. She announced Jude's weight: 8 pounds 8 ounces! 20 inches long! I couldn't believe he was so big. He was the same length as August, but heavier. And it showed! He was so chunky.
When my midwife had finally finished the stitches, I somehow managed to lift up so they could change the sheets underneath me. They covered me with a blanket and handed Jude back to me. I began to calm down, and my body started to relax. I nursed him for the first time, just 20 minutes or so after birth. He latched right away. Not a great latch, but we would work on that. I was just glad we were able to. I can't even remember if he took both sides or not. But I remember that we looked into each other's eyes as he nursed, and it was a beautiful moment. I felt so at peace.
We stayed at the hospital two nights after that and left without any complications for either Jude or for me. It was a wonderful experience. My recovery was so much easier this time around. I was up walking around very soon after his birth. I told Adam right after I had him that I would never have a natural birth again. However, not even a week later, my tune had changed. I now can't wait to do it again. It's so funny how that works. Adam laughs every time I say I would do it again. But you really can't beat the simplicity and the experience of a natural child birth. The pain and the work are so worth it. I am so thankful that I was able to have this experience. It is forever engraved into my heart. Every time I look at Jude and he looks back at me, I feel like we have this bond between us that no one else can understand. I can't think about his birth without getting teary-eyed. It's such a part of me. I am so grateful to God for His hand in Jude's birth and to my husband and midwife for their amazing support. It was such a beautiful experience. We love Jude so much, and I am looking forward to our life together as a family of 4.....well, 4 for now. ;)
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| Hearing Test....passed 100% |
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| Not happy about his first time in his car seat |
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| Took a pic of my recovery room as we were leaving |
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| I wanted to remember what my belly looked like the day we went home. |
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| Leaving! |
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Saturday, November 2, 2013
Jude's Birth Story: Part 4
We walked back into our room, and I was already feeling defeated.
"What do you want to do?" Adam asked me.
"I don't know. This isn't going to work. It's already been over an hour since she broke my water, and nothing is happening. They are going to put me on Pitocin," I answered.
"Well why don't you try the exercise ball?"
"I guess I can," I sighed.
The nurse walked back in to check on us, and we asked her for a ball. I had brought my own to the hospital, but we left it in the van. That morning the nurse had told us that they had exercise balls that we could use if we wanted to. We decided to use theirs so we wouldn't have to clean ours up.
I went to the bathroom to change mesh underwear and get a new pad since I still had water leaking pretty heavily. Adam surfed through the channels on the t.v., and after finding nothing good on to watch, settled for a world news channel. The nurse came back in with a green exercise ball and ice chips. She checked on my wireless monitor, told us to let her know if we needed anything else, and headed out. I appreciated that she didn't hover. She gave us plenty of privacy.
I sat down on the ball and began bouncing. Adam and I made small talk about the news and occasionally answered texts from family to keep them updated. They were all planning to come to the hospital when things were getting close. I felt silly that we really had nothing to update on. After a few minutes of bouncing, I realized that I wasn't really bouncing that much. I wondered how high/hard you were supposed to bounce to actually get things going. I have heard that bouncing on the exercise ball works for a lot of people, especially once your water is broken. I began bouncing much more vigorously than before.
Out of nowhere, I had very strong contraction. Much stronger than any of the ones I had felt up until that point. There was a very sharp sensation with it. It felt like a really intense period cramp mixed with a gas pain.
"Whoa, that hurts," I told Adam.
After a few minutes, I had another one.
"Maybe we should start timing these," I said.
Adam pulled up my contraction timer ("Full Term") on my phone. I had downloaded it early in my pregnancy.
The contractions were coming every 5-7 minutes. I tried to continue to bounce through them, hoping it would increase the intensity and make them come more frequently. However, after just a few contractions, I had to stop bouncing during the contraction and just focus on breathing. I would take a deep breath and a long exhale. I would picture myself blowing the pain away. It seemed to make me feel like I was doing something to control or cope with the pain. I already could no longer talk through the contractions.
Somewhere around this time, I noticed the monitor wasn't picking up my contractions. It was showing a flat line, so something wasn't working right. I wanted my midwife to be able to see that things were progressing, so we called the nurse in to see if she could fix the monitors. I remember I couldn't look up at her or talk to her when she came in. Another nurse came in to help her with the monitors, and she told me that I had a pretty color on my toenails. I remember I had trouble thanking her, and I felt rude for not being able to smile or make conversation. (Fun fact: My toenails were painted "mint candy apple" by Essie. The same color I wore on my toes when I had August. It looks baby blue, so I thought it was appropriate!)
At this point it was around 10:45 a.m., two hours after my midwife had broken my water.
After about 30 minutes of this, the contractions were still about every 5-7 minutes. I knew they needed to get closer together. The clock was ticking. My midwife would be there around lunch time, and I didn't want her to put me on Pitocin. I tried to think of what else we could do. I remembered that my midwife had talked to me about nipple stimulation. I know, I said nipple. Calm down, it's not that crazy. I debated leaving this part out, but I really can't. I have no idea why or how this works, but my midwife suggested as a natural induction technique to stimulate my nipples to bring on contractions. For some people, it can take hours using a breast pump for this to do anything. I decided to just use my fingers to mimic a baby sucking. Yes, it was awkward. Yes, I kind of felt like a perv. But I did this for a few minutes while bouncing on the ball.
A few minutes was all it took. My contractions started coming hard and fast. They were every 2 to 3 minutes at this point. I couldn't believe how quickly the stimulation had worked. I couldn't believe it worked, period.
I had to get up. I couldn't sit through the contractions anymore. As I stood up, my water gushed everywhere. All over my flip flops (the ones I like to wear all the time, not sure what I was thinking), and all over the floor. The water was so deep that it was even with the top of my flip flops, which have some height to them.
At this time, it was somewhere around 11:30. I knew my midwife would be here to check me around lunch time. We put my flip flops in the shower, and Adam wiped up the fluid with some towels. I started pacing around the room, half trying to walk through the pain, and half trying to make sure things continued to progress. When I would feel a contraction, I would put my head into Adam's chest, and we would sway back and forth. I tried to continue trips to the bathroom to keep my bladder empty. The contractions were at least a minute long at this point, and some were about a minute and a half long.
For the next hour and 15 minutes, I labored. Contractions stayed 2-3 minutes apart, mostly closer to 2 minutes. I only felt the need to blow out. I didn't moan, hum, or make any noise. I didn't feel like it would help me. I felt like I was saving energy by not making any sounds. I paced around the room, only stopping for the contractions. I pictured a wave rising high, and then falling. I tried not to think about the future, just to focus on one contraction at a time.
Around 12:45, my midwife arrived. She looked at my monitor and told me that I had an excellent labor pattern. I was so glad to hear that she thought things were going well. I knew they were going as they should, but I was just afraid they would try to rush me.
My midwife had me lay down in bed so she could check me in between contractions. I laid down quickly because I knew I did not want to feel a contraction while laying down. It didn't hurt at all when she checked me, and she didn't have to go very far up at all.
"You're at a 6! You are doing great!" she said.
I was happy and disappointed at the news. Happy because these contractions were doing something, and sad because I was hoping to at least be at a 7. In my mind, I thought I was at a 7 for some reason.
"I'm going to go check on a few other patients, but I will stay at the hospital. I don't think it's going to be long, Amanda. You are about to enter transition. Things are going to get more intense. Have you had anything to drink?" my midwife asked.
"No, just ice chips," I replied. The nurses said I couldn't have any liquids.
"Well, I'm going to go get you a Sprite. Adam, would you like anything? Coke?"
Adam nodded. I love my midwife. I'm not sure how anyone is supposed to labor without fluids or a little sugar. She was great.
After she brought us the drinks, she headed out of the room and told me that she would be back in a little while to check on me. I drank the Sprite. Sprite has never tasted so good. I savored it as it went down. It seemed like such a luxury.
I continued to pace and sway, pace and sway. At this point, it was just after 1 p.m. I wanted to lay down and rest so badly, but I just couldn't. I had to keep moving to deal with the pain. But I was so tired. So, so tired. I remembered that a couple of my friends who have had natural labors told me that they labored in the rocking chair. I really didn't want to sit down, but I needed to take the weight off of my feet for a few minutes. I sat in the rocking chair. I asked Adam to get my pink fuzzy socks out of our bag since my feet were cold on the tile floor. It ended up being quite the fashion statement with my hospital gown. We now laugh and refer to those socks as my "amniotic socks" since they got soaked with fluid and stayed on for the duration of the day. (Don't worry, they've since been washed!) I was only in the chair for 5-10 minutes, but I was glad I was able to take a load off. Adam took this clip with his phone.
Between 1:00 and 2:00, my midwife came in a couple times to check on me. Every time she would come in the room, my contractions would stall. I guess I was getting a little bit of stage fright or something. I wanted so badly for her to tell me that I was ready to push. She knew that I was progressing because she was watching my monitor out at the nurse's station. I didn't really realize that at the time though. I was kind of out of it.
By 2:00, my contractions were every 1-2 minutes. I told Adam that I wanted my midwife in the room. I wanted her in there because I wanted her to help me or tell me I was ready to push. I felt like things had to be close, and I felt like I needed her support. She told me to lay down on the bed so she could check me. It was so hard to lay on the bed. It was so painful to be in that position. She checked me and said that I was a "stretchy 8", and that she could easily stretch me to a 9.
"Do it!" I said. "Stretch me!"
She laughed and said that she was going to let my body progress as it needed to.
"This is where you asked for your epidural last time, Amanda. Do you remember? And you have always told me that you regretted that. This is where you are now. It is very intense. But you can do it, and you want to do it. You are doing a great job." She was so encouraging.
At this point, I told Adam to leave the contraction timer alone because I needed his full attention. I knew we didn't need it anymore. Things were getting close. I remember at this point going into the bathroom to empty my bladder. My midwife was in the bathroom with me. I looked into the mirror as I washed my hands. My face was so pale. I looked like I had been hit by a truck. I was so, so tired.
"Why am I so pale?" I asked.
"Well, I know you have been breathing well. Make sure you are still breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth though," she said.
I made sure to follow her instructions. I wanted the baby to have enough oxygen.
We went back out into the room and I leaned on Adam. We swayed through a contraction.
"Wait right there! What a beautiful moment. May I take a picture?" my midwife asked.
I nodded and had to give a little laugh. I'm sure I looked great. But I knew I would want to look back on the moment later.
I started to wonder how much more I could take. Things had to happen soon, right? I was running out of steam. I searched my body for the urge to push, but found nothing. I couldn't do it anymore.
"What do you want to do?" Adam asked me.
"I don't know. This isn't going to work. It's already been over an hour since she broke my water, and nothing is happening. They are going to put me on Pitocin," I answered.
"Well why don't you try the exercise ball?"
"I guess I can," I sighed.
The nurse walked back in to check on us, and we asked her for a ball. I had brought my own to the hospital, but we left it in the van. That morning the nurse had told us that they had exercise balls that we could use if we wanted to. We decided to use theirs so we wouldn't have to clean ours up.
I went to the bathroom to change mesh underwear and get a new pad since I still had water leaking pretty heavily. Adam surfed through the channels on the t.v., and after finding nothing good on to watch, settled for a world news channel. The nurse came back in with a green exercise ball and ice chips. She checked on my wireless monitor, told us to let her know if we needed anything else, and headed out. I appreciated that she didn't hover. She gave us plenty of privacy.
I sat down on the ball and began bouncing. Adam and I made small talk about the news and occasionally answered texts from family to keep them updated. They were all planning to come to the hospital when things were getting close. I felt silly that we really had nothing to update on. After a few minutes of bouncing, I realized that I wasn't really bouncing that much. I wondered how high/hard you were supposed to bounce to actually get things going. I have heard that bouncing on the exercise ball works for a lot of people, especially once your water is broken. I began bouncing much more vigorously than before.
Out of nowhere, I had very strong contraction. Much stronger than any of the ones I had felt up until that point. There was a very sharp sensation with it. It felt like a really intense period cramp mixed with a gas pain.
"Whoa, that hurts," I told Adam.
After a few minutes, I had another one.
"Maybe we should start timing these," I said.
Adam pulled up my contraction timer ("Full Term") on my phone. I had downloaded it early in my pregnancy.
The contractions were coming every 5-7 minutes. I tried to continue to bounce through them, hoping it would increase the intensity and make them come more frequently. However, after just a few contractions, I had to stop bouncing during the contraction and just focus on breathing. I would take a deep breath and a long exhale. I would picture myself blowing the pain away. It seemed to make me feel like I was doing something to control or cope with the pain. I already could no longer talk through the contractions.
Somewhere around this time, I noticed the monitor wasn't picking up my contractions. It was showing a flat line, so something wasn't working right. I wanted my midwife to be able to see that things were progressing, so we called the nurse in to see if she could fix the monitors. I remember I couldn't look up at her or talk to her when she came in. Another nurse came in to help her with the monitors, and she told me that I had a pretty color on my toenails. I remember I had trouble thanking her, and I felt rude for not being able to smile or make conversation. (Fun fact: My toenails were painted "mint candy apple" by Essie. The same color I wore on my toes when I had August. It looks baby blue, so I thought it was appropriate!)
At this point it was around 10:45 a.m., two hours after my midwife had broken my water.
After about 30 minutes of this, the contractions were still about every 5-7 minutes. I knew they needed to get closer together. The clock was ticking. My midwife would be there around lunch time, and I didn't want her to put me on Pitocin. I tried to think of what else we could do. I remembered that my midwife had talked to me about nipple stimulation. I know, I said nipple. Calm down, it's not that crazy. I debated leaving this part out, but I really can't. I have no idea why or how this works, but my midwife suggested as a natural induction technique to stimulate my nipples to bring on contractions. For some people, it can take hours using a breast pump for this to do anything. I decided to just use my fingers to mimic a baby sucking. Yes, it was awkward. Yes, I kind of felt like a perv. But I did this for a few minutes while bouncing on the ball.
A few minutes was all it took. My contractions started coming hard and fast. They were every 2 to 3 minutes at this point. I couldn't believe how quickly the stimulation had worked. I couldn't believe it worked, period.
I had to get up. I couldn't sit through the contractions anymore. As I stood up, my water gushed everywhere. All over my flip flops (the ones I like to wear all the time, not sure what I was thinking), and all over the floor. The water was so deep that it was even with the top of my flip flops, which have some height to them.
At this time, it was somewhere around 11:30. I knew my midwife would be here to check me around lunch time. We put my flip flops in the shower, and Adam wiped up the fluid with some towels. I started pacing around the room, half trying to walk through the pain, and half trying to make sure things continued to progress. When I would feel a contraction, I would put my head into Adam's chest, and we would sway back and forth. I tried to continue trips to the bathroom to keep my bladder empty. The contractions were at least a minute long at this point, and some were about a minute and a half long.
For the next hour and 15 minutes, I labored. Contractions stayed 2-3 minutes apart, mostly closer to 2 minutes. I only felt the need to blow out. I didn't moan, hum, or make any noise. I didn't feel like it would help me. I felt like I was saving energy by not making any sounds. I paced around the room, only stopping for the contractions. I pictured a wave rising high, and then falling. I tried not to think about the future, just to focus on one contraction at a time.
Around 12:45, my midwife arrived. She looked at my monitor and told me that I had an excellent labor pattern. I was so glad to hear that she thought things were going well. I knew they were going as they should, but I was just afraid they would try to rush me.
My midwife had me lay down in bed so she could check me in between contractions. I laid down quickly because I knew I did not want to feel a contraction while laying down. It didn't hurt at all when she checked me, and she didn't have to go very far up at all.
"You're at a 6! You are doing great!" she said.
I was happy and disappointed at the news. Happy because these contractions were doing something, and sad because I was hoping to at least be at a 7. In my mind, I thought I was at a 7 for some reason.
"I'm going to go check on a few other patients, but I will stay at the hospital. I don't think it's going to be long, Amanda. You are about to enter transition. Things are going to get more intense. Have you had anything to drink?" my midwife asked.
"No, just ice chips," I replied. The nurses said I couldn't have any liquids.
"Well, I'm going to go get you a Sprite. Adam, would you like anything? Coke?"
Adam nodded. I love my midwife. I'm not sure how anyone is supposed to labor without fluids or a little sugar. She was great.
After she brought us the drinks, she headed out of the room and told me that she would be back in a little while to check on me. I drank the Sprite. Sprite has never tasted so good. I savored it as it went down. It seemed like such a luxury.
I continued to pace and sway, pace and sway. At this point, it was just after 1 p.m. I wanted to lay down and rest so badly, but I just couldn't. I had to keep moving to deal with the pain. But I was so tired. So, so tired. I remembered that a couple of my friends who have had natural labors told me that they labored in the rocking chair. I really didn't want to sit down, but I needed to take the weight off of my feet for a few minutes. I sat in the rocking chair. I asked Adam to get my pink fuzzy socks out of our bag since my feet were cold on the tile floor. It ended up being quite the fashion statement with my hospital gown. We now laugh and refer to those socks as my "amniotic socks" since they got soaked with fluid and stayed on for the duration of the day. (Don't worry, they've since been washed!) I was only in the chair for 5-10 minutes, but I was glad I was able to take a load off. Adam took this clip with his phone.
Between 1:00 and 2:00, my midwife came in a couple times to check on me. Every time she would come in the room, my contractions would stall. I guess I was getting a little bit of stage fright or something. I wanted so badly for her to tell me that I was ready to push. She knew that I was progressing because she was watching my monitor out at the nurse's station. I didn't really realize that at the time though. I was kind of out of it.
By 2:00, my contractions were every 1-2 minutes. I told Adam that I wanted my midwife in the room. I wanted her in there because I wanted her to help me or tell me I was ready to push. I felt like things had to be close, and I felt like I needed her support. She told me to lay down on the bed so she could check me. It was so hard to lay on the bed. It was so painful to be in that position. She checked me and said that I was a "stretchy 8", and that she could easily stretch me to a 9.
"Do it!" I said. "Stretch me!"
She laughed and said that she was going to let my body progress as it needed to.
"This is where you asked for your epidural last time, Amanda. Do you remember? And you have always told me that you regretted that. This is where you are now. It is very intense. But you can do it, and you want to do it. You are doing a great job." She was so encouraging.
At this point, I told Adam to leave the contraction timer alone because I needed his full attention. I knew we didn't need it anymore. Things were getting close. I remember at this point going into the bathroom to empty my bladder. My midwife was in the bathroom with me. I looked into the mirror as I washed my hands. My face was so pale. I looked like I had been hit by a truck. I was so, so tired.
"Why am I so pale?" I asked.
"Well, I know you have been breathing well. Make sure you are still breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth though," she said.
I made sure to follow her instructions. I wanted the baby to have enough oxygen.
We went back out into the room and I leaned on Adam. We swayed through a contraction.
"Wait right there! What a beautiful moment. May I take a picture?" my midwife asked.
I nodded and had to give a little laugh. I'm sure I looked great. But I knew I would want to look back on the moment later.
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