Saturday, August 7, 2010

I can do it myself....correction- CAN'T.

I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed lately.  The first 2 days of school have come and gone.  They were a whirlwind for sure.  I feel like as a new teacher there are so many things I don't know about.  Attendance, student files, parent paperwork....not to mention prek.  It's a lot different from fourth and fifth grade!  Not only that, Adam and I are doing Crown Financial Money Map counseling.  Whew.  That is a lot of work and stress too.  Adam and I are also going to begin teaching the middle school youth at church tomorrow night.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I am really excited about everything we have going!  It's just...a lot.  I believe everything I'm doing right now is exactly what I should be doing, but it feels like a big load.  I just need to pray for God's help.  I often try so hard to do things on my own.  I usually feel like I have to prove to myself that I can do it.  I have been that way with a lot of things in my life.  I always regret it, but I want to do them because I think I can.  I'm SOOOO hard headed when it comes to doing things myself.  Silly, right?


This right before Adam left for Iraq.  Another stupid time when I told God, "I will handle this myself."  That was so dumb.  Yes, I made it through, but I missed out on an amazing opportunity to grow closer to God!  I could have been leaning on God, submerged in His Word.  That was a period when I had a lot of time on my hands!  But what did I do instead?  I read the Twilight series.  Good books, dumb choice.




College.  Another great time to lean on God.  But I rarely did.  I wanted to make the A's by myself.  No thanks God, I can handle this one.  I wonder what things God could have done through me if I had been more open to Him.  Higher grades....scholarships....higher honors.....finding good Christian friends at school...who knows?  I wanted to do it myself, so I'll never know.

I don't want the rest of my life to be that way.  I need God.  I don't need to prove that I can do things myself.  Because I can't.  There isn't a single thing that I can do without God.  That is really difficult for me sometimes.  I like to think I'm fairly smart, organized, capable of handling many things at once....but God says I'm not.  He said I can't do anything!!!

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." -John 15:5

I can't do anything!  I can't claim anything I have done.  God was helping me the whole time.  I could not get out of bed in the morning if it wasn't for God's grace.  I really need to focus on this reality.  Please pray for me, and I will pray for you- that we will surrender to God every morning and beg him to lead us and show us the way.  Beg him to stay with us, help us, and guide us.  I need to say, "God I can't do it on my own.  I need you."  I'm beginning a challenging time in my life- prek, youth leadership, marriage, financial stuff, etc....  But I want to do things differently this time.  I want to be used by God.  I know that if I would just let Him, He will take over my life and do incredible things with it!  So I've decided.  I'm surrendering.  But it's not a one time deal.  It's a daily, hourly, momently thing.  But I want my life to change.  I want to do things God's way.   

5 comments:

  1. I loved this post. I've been going through a super overwhelming time for the past week or so and I'm ready to get out of it. It's awesome how you've made yourself available and how much God is using you and Adam! I'll be praying for yall daily. Life can get hard especially when everything you're doing is new and you're having to learn as you go. Keep it up and rely on HIM. Nothing goes as planned when you do it yourself. I'm learning that.

    Love you!!

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  2. "I have gone through a time just like that since I've been married. I'm so glad you decided to talk about it, because I didn't. I thought something was wrong with me because I was so unhappy. I was unhappy...and recently married! What's up with that? I still don't know. Maybe it was reality. Boredom. Loss of a dream that all little girls have. I'm not sure. I had a lot of mixed feelings after marriage (and yours may not have anything to do with marriage, I'm just saying). I was sad the wedding was over, sad I wasn't at home, sad I was at my new home all day alone, sad all I did was laundry and cooking haha, and many other mixed emotions. Everyone had told me it would be a change, but I didn't know the change would be that huge. I felt so different after being married. Not like I used to feel."

    I'm so glad you commented on my post. I didn't feel like being completely exposed in my post so I didn't mention a lot of details of this storm I've been going through. I thought I was terrible of me. Your comment is exactly what I'm going through. You said it completelt perfectly. I have been SO sad. I feel almost depressed. I thought for sure something was wrong with me, with James, with my marriage. I actually kept blaming him for doing things to make me sad but it hasn't been him. I spend all day at our house by myself. Last night James helped me apply for a job at target. I don't really have a for sure career choice and I'm still in school so a job there will keep me busy. I miss being at home and with my family. It's like I've dreamed and waited my whole life to be married and now that that step is over I'm just confused as to what is next. It's been so frustrating feeling like this. I don't think the guys get this way at all because James has been so confused as to why I'm sad all the time. I mean I'm not constantly crying but there has been a cloud over me since we got married. It's been pretty hard but your comment was so reassuring. I also have been leaning on my own strength through this and have been pretty distant from Christ. How silly am I? In my craziest times I still think I am stronger than He is! Ugh! Will we ever learn?!

    Amanda, thanks so much for doing this blog stuff with me. It has really helped me more than anything. I pray we lean on each other through learning time...and Christ too!!

    Love you and I'm praying for you!!

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  3. "I have gone through a time just like that since I've been married. I'm so glad you decided to talk about it, because I didn't. I thought something was wrong with me because I was so unhappy. I was unhappy...and recently married! What's up with that? I still don't know. Maybe it was reality. Boredom. Loss of a dream that all little girls have. I'm not sure. I had a lot of mixed feelings after marriage (and yours may not have anything to do with marriage, I'm just saying). I was sad the wedding was over, sad I wasn't at home, sad I was at my new home all day alone, sad all I did was laundry and cooking haha, and many other mixed emotions. Everyone had told me it would be a change, but I didn't know the change would be that huge. I felt so different after being married. Not like I used to feel."

    I'm so glad you commented on my post. I didn't feel like being completely exposed in my post so I didn't mention a lot of details of this storm I've been going through. I thought I was terrible of me. Your comment is exactly what I'm going through. You said it completelt perfectly. I have been SO sad. I feel almost depressed. I thought for sure something was wrong with me, with James, with my marriage. I actually kept blaming him for doing things to make me sad but it hasn't been him. I spend all day at our house by myself. Last night James helped me apply for a job at target. I don't really have a for sure career choice and I'm still in school so a job there will keep me busy. I miss being at home and with my family. It's like I've dreamed and waited my whole life to be married and now that that step is over I'm just confused as to what is next. It's been so frustrating feeling like this. I don't think the guys get this way at all because James has been so confused as to why I'm sad all the time. I mean I'm not constantly crying but there has been a cloud over me since we got married. It's been pretty hard but your comment was so reassuring. I also have been leaning on my own strength through this and have been pretty distant from Christ. How silly am I? In my craziest times I still think I am stronger than He is! Ugh! Will we ever learn?!

    Amanda, thanks so much for doing this blog stuff with me. It has really helped me more than anything. I pray we lean on each other through learning time...and Christ too!!

    Love you and I'm praying for you!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm glad you can relate to my experience! I think it is normal to be confused about what's next. Marriage was always the "big step," and I wasn't prepared to think much about life after marriage besides kids, etc. I didn't realize how much of a change I would feel, and how much of a shock it would be. For weeks I didn't want to look much at my wedding photos because it made me sad that all of that was over- being with my family, anticipating marriage, honeymoon, etc. What was supposed to be "the best day of my life" was over. How was I supposed to be excited about that? It was over. Why would I wanna look back on it? I've gotten to the point now though where I think I can look at the pictures without feeling sad. I have to tell myself that the point of a marriage is not the wedding. The wedding is a celebration of the beginning of something incredible-something designed by God. The marriage-the whole life of it- is the celebration. The wedding is just the intro. I miss my wedding day and my life with my family, but I know God only has wonderful things ahead of me in my marriage. I need to embrace those things and stop looking back. I'm still working on that everyday. I definitely don't have it figured out, and honestly typing this, I still miss my wedding and living with my family. I know it must be SOOOO hard for you, not even living in Ringgold. But I love Adam so much, and I know he has promised to take care of me and to love me. So I need to love him in that same way.

    And you're right, it's not as hard for the guys, if it is even hard for them at all. I think girls were just designed a little differently. Adam hasn't had a hard time like I have leaving my family and everything. I hope it doesn't sound too much like rambling, cause I kind of am rambling, but I just want you to know that I understand FULLY what you are going through, and I'm right here with you sister. I'll keep praying for you. Love you girl!

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